INTRO Amir: Forget your friends and family, this is Jake and Amir! Jake: What? Why? EPISODE [Amir enters. He is stretching and doing calisthenics constantly unless otherwise specified] Amir: Woo! Time! Jake: Woah. Amir: Hey. Jake: What was your time? Amir: What? Jake: How long was your run? How long did it take you? Amir: Oh, I didn't run. Took a cab to work; I was just, uh, asking what time it was. [Gestures to watch] 12:19. Jake: 4 PM. Amir: What? Jake: It's 4 PM. That makes you like 6 or 7 hours late today. Amir: 6. Idiot. Jake: I'm not an idiot; you don't know what time work starts. Amir: What do you think my biggest weakness is? Correction: was my biggest weakness is? Jake: You're not smart? Amir: No. Jake: You get angry easily? Amir: No exercise gear, exactly right. Jake: You also seem incapable of going with the flow of a conversation. You have like some sort of agenda, you're going to make your point no matter what I contribute. Amir: No arm warmer. No tank. A lack of zero compression pants. Jake: You had a lack of zero compression pants? Amir: I went to Sports Authority, and I got calm. [brief pause] Jake: What? Amir: My life has been a whirlwind ever since Passover. Yeah, my dad gave me a hundred dollar bill to go fuck myself with. Luckily for me, they accept that at most sporting goods stores. [hits ground while doing a push-up] Ow. Jake: If it's a hundred dollar bill, then they accept it anywhere. Amir [eating from a gel pouch]: Ugh, these things never get any easier to swallow. Popped a molly, I'm sweatin', woo! Jake: Have you actually started exercising? Amir: Not yet, I'm a triathlete. As in, I'm trying to be an athlete. Jake: By buying those clothes? Amir [doing the macarena]: They say to dress for the job you want. And I want a blow job. Jake: You know, that's not even a stretch, that's the macarena. You can leave, or you can get to work. Amir: I'm actually pretty depressed about all this shit. I feel like I can't get my act together at all. Jake: Cool, man, I'm sorry to hear that. What do you want me to say? Amir: I spent the better part of a G of not my own money trying to make my old man proud. Turns out the only thing he could be proud of, is that his son is a piece of shit. Jake: Why would he be proud of that? Amir: I like to make people laugh, you know? Except the only problem is I'm the only joke in this room. And what's so funny about a grown-ass loser? Jake: I guess it's funny that you're having this realization in compression pants. Amir: That's true. Jake: No, man, I was making fun of you. Amir: Thanks, man. I needed to hear that. Jake: Don't thank me, I was being mean to you. Amir: Hey, everybody: get a load of these pants. [crowd which has suddenly materialized begins laughing] Amir: Oppa gangnam style! [everyone laughs harder] [Amir begins dancing and crowd starts to applaud and cheer] [Jake, smiling happily, claps twice and points a finger to the sky] [All Gold Everything by Trinidad James can be heard playing] Amir dressed as blonde woman [in Southern accent]: I want to give you the job you want: a blow job. [transition to Amir, semi-conscious and dancing, sitting up against some garbage cans on a sidewalk] Amir: Popped a molly, I'm sweatin', woo! [Jake and a Police Officer approach] Jake: Yeah, that's him. Police Officer: We found him passed out outside of a Sports Authority shouting obscenities at strangers. Jake: Is he dead? Police Officer: Unfortunately, no. He's just sleepy and frozen. Amir: Woo! [cut to credits]