INTRO JAKE: Hey, you’re watching Jake and Amir. AMIR: Ooh, shoot, I’m getting a call. JAKE: Can you not pick it up? AMIR: Hi, baby! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ JAKE: Okay, so, tell you what, why don’t I bump the email. Since you’re CC’d, when they respond— AMIR: Okay. JAKE: —then you can jump in— [AMIR’s phone begins to emit a loud, screechy noise. AMIR raises a finger indicating for Jake to hold on.] AMIR: Oh. JAKE: —and that’s when you loop in— [cringing at the sound of AMIR’s ringtone] ooh. AMIR: Shit, sorry. JAKE: You should change that ringtone, by the way. It’s really— AMIR: I have to take this. JAKE: Yeah, get it, but change the ringtone because it’s super grating. AMIR: [on the phone and with shades on, speaking in a strange California bro accent] Hey, dude! Yeah, no, I’m at Azteca right now, bro! [JAKE squints in concern at AMIR.] AMIR: Let me know if you want any covfefe or something. Just, like, a cold brew? Alright, [laughing] bet, yeah, no, I’m hungover as fuck, too. Yeah, I’ll see you at, like, 12. Aight, aight, bet. Later, bro. [AMIR hangs up. JAKE looks at him in disbelief. When the camera cuts back to AMIR, he has no shades on and has seemingly returned back to normal.] JAKE: ... What the fuck was that? AMIR: [nonchalantly] What? JAKE: You just... nevermind. [AMIR’s phone begins to screech again.] JAKE: Hey— change the ringtone. AMIR: [abruptly on the phone with shades again] Dude! Yeah, no, I’m here with my boy, Jake. You never met him? He’s funny as fuck! You want anything, like a covfefe or something, or like a cold brew? Nah, I’m tellin’ you, we’re at Azteca! Alright, [laughing] I’ll see ya at, like, 12. Alright, later bro. Bet. Bet. Bet. JAKE: Who was that?! AMIR: [putting down his phone] Who was what? JAKE: The guy on the phone! You’re answering it, you’re talking like a different human being! It happened two seconds ago. Who was it? AMIR: [confused] Oh, I don’t know [his phone begins to ring once again], I don’t remember. JAKE: Look. There. It’s ringing again. Let me— Let me see who’s calling you. AMIR: [on the phone with shades] What’s up, dude? Yeah, no, I’m with my friend, Jake. He’s, like, bustin’ my balls or some shit. Ahahah, [in a gravelly voice] BEEFCAKE. Heh, nah, I’m just fuckin’ with you. Yeah, we’ll see you in, like, 12 minutes or something. Haha, yeah, he’s funny as fuck but I’m hungover as hell. Alright, alright, bet. Later, bro. Later, bro. [JAKE gestures in disbelief as AMIR hangs up and returns to normal.] AMIR: [sighs] ... What’re you thinkin’ for lunch? JAKE: You have a split personality. AMIR: Excuse? JAKE: This, like, Jekyll and Hyde thing you have going on. Let me see your phone. [AMIR throws the phone down JAKE’s desk rather recklessly, exasperating JAKE.] JAKE: Tell you what, from now on, when I say, ‘let me see your phone’, just hand me the phone or place it on your desk in a place where I can grab it. Okay? So for instance, I say, ‘let me see your phone’— [AMIR miraculously throws his phone down at JAKE’s desk again without retrieving it.] JAKE: HOW? How’d you do that?! [AMIR’s phone begins to ring again.] AMIR: [pointing at his phone] Someone’s calling, pick it up! JAKE: [on the phone with shades, speaking in a worse version of AMIR's accent] Oh, what’s up, bro! [AMIR looks at Jake in pure shock, mouth agape.] JAKE: Yeah, no, this is Jake, yeah, with Amir, like, he’s goofy as fuck, bro! Yeah, we’re at Azteca right now. This barista’s a fucking smokeshow, bro. Do you want a covfefe or something? Yeah, we’ll be at your house in 12 minutes. I’m hungover as fuck, bro. Aight, aight, bet, bro! AMIR: Holy shit! JAKE: [in shock, back to normal and off the phone] Ouhh... OH! AMIR: Oh my GOD! JAKE: What was that?! AMIR: I think the guy at the Apple Store put a curse or a fucking hex on me because I declined Apple Care. JAKE: [distressed] Why did you decline Apple Care?! AMIR: Because it's a dumb warranty! [JAKE puts his head in his hands.] AMIR: I don't need that shit! I don't drop my phone. JAKE: You throw your phone. All the time. AMIR: Yeah, but it has a case! JAKE: [holding AMIR's phone] No, it doesn't! [AMIR's phone rings again.] AMIR: It's ringing, let me see it! [JAKE bounces the phone on the desk, AMIR grabs it and the hex possesses him.] AMIR: [very quickly] Hey dude what's going on man can I actually call you back in like a minute? I'm think I'm fucking hungover as FUCK— JAKE: [speaking over AMIR and gesturing for the phone] Drop the phone, drop the phone, drop the phone! [AMIR bounces the phone back.] JAKE: [possessed] Hungover as fuck at Azteca bro yeah— AMIR: [over JAKE] Give it back to me! [JAKE bounces the phone back.] AMIR: [possessed] Hello dude I really think I have to call you back cause I'm fuckin' hungover as fuck, man! JAKE: Get rid of it! [AMIR bounces the phone back.] JAKE: [possessed] Yeah bro I think we'll be at yours in like 12 [grabbing a black plastic bin from under his desk] if you want a covfefe— [With difficulty, JAKE drops the phone in the bin.] AMIR: Jesus Christ, man! [JAKE pulls out a bottle of piss.] AMIR: No, no, no! That's my piss! JAKE: It's the only way— AMIR: That's my fuckin' piss, man. JAKE: [unscrewing the cap] It's the only fuckin' way. AMIR: I really don't think that's going to work because I have a fucking— [JAKE begins to pour the piss into the bin with AMIR's phone inside.] AMIR: —WARRANTY! I don't have Apple Care! [defeated] I really don't have Apple Care. JAKE: I think the curse is finally broken. [There is a brief pause before both JAKE and AMIR, in shades, begin to speak in overlapping possessed gibberish.] AMIR: [overlapping] Oh, SHIT, man! I think you just made us stuck like this! I think we can never actually get out of this fucking mode because the fucking phone is gone! We’re gonna have to [unintelligible]— I’m fucking pissed and I'm HUNGOVER AS SHIT BRO! We have to go to fucking lunch! We’re going to be fucking 12 minutes late for the ride over! We’re HUNGOVER AS SHIT! JAKE: [overlapping] OH, SHIT, DUDE! I think we didn't break the curse! I think we're stuck like this now! Oh shit, your phone's freaking destroyed, we gotta go to Azteca! We can be there in, like, 12 minutes! The barista's a FUCKING SMOKESHOW! Why did you decline Apple Care?! THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT GOT CUR—! [They continue to argue into unintelligible gibberish.] THE END