INTRO AMIR: Hey, you're watching me and Amir. JAKE: What the fuck was that? JAKE: You guys know what today is. AMIR: Erection day, so cast your bone, it's not that hard-on. JAKE: Leave. AMIR: Because I made a joke?! JAKE: Because you made three jokes, and they were all about dicks. Okay, it was offensive. AMIR: You know, in some states, the presidential race is a foregone conclusion, so New York and Alabama, thanks but no thanks, you don't need to vote. JAKE: What if everybody thought like that? AMIR: Then I'd be a genius. Okay, convincing an entire state not to vote? I should be president. JAKE: A president wouldn't do that. (Amir makes face) Oh, worst face you've ever made. AMIR: Barack Obama? More like Yitzchak Osama. Okay, that guy's a Jew and an Arab and you mean to tell me religion has no part in this election? (Jake leaves) Where are you going? Afraid of the truth? AMIR: Mitten Romney? I'm smitten, Homney. JAKE: That's not good, man, homney's not a word. AMIR: And Paul Ryan, we are tryin', but nobody's Biden their time quite like our vice president, Joseph Dan Quayle. JAKE: You're not smart. AMIR: Never said I was. AMIR: Okay, I know it's a two-party system, but what about the candidate nobody's talking about, Mitt Romney. JAKE: People are talking about Mitt Romney. You were just talking about Mitt Romney. AMIR: When? JAKE: Remember Smitten Homney? AMIR: Oh, yeah that was funny. JAKE: It was not funny. JAKE: Okay, we know you're busy, but you gotta find- AMIR: Voting isn't hip, but you know what is? A rap, so give me a beat. (rapping) Politics is a polish-dick so cast your vote on this pink (censored) JAKE: Stop, stop! AMIR: Censorer! I sense you're a censorer, sir, who censored my words, so rest assured I'm incensed, for sure! JAKE: No more slam poetry. Okay, that was really good but no more slap poetry. AMIR: Thank you. JAKE: You gotta be as well-informed as possible, so research your candidates before you head to the polls. AMIR: Exactly right, so, for example, Barack Hossein Osama, wow, yeah, he stands for socialism, and Mitt Mone-y, ha ha, he stands... for socialism. JAKE: So get out there and cast your vote for your candidate todate- today. Today- AMIR: Oh my God, let me bail you out, brother, so get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today. Huh. JAKE: Perfect. AMIR: Wait, let me try one more I wasn't blinking. JAKE: It's fine if you were blinking. AMIR: So, get out there and vote for your favorite candiday-diday. Ahh-bululah. So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate di- (sighs) It is harder than it sounded. Three, two one. AMIR: So get out there and vote for your favorite candiday-diday, (simultaneously) diday, diday. Ahh-bululah JAKE: (simultaneously) Diday, diday, today. AMIR: Say it slower. Favorite- JAKE: One, two, three, (simultaneously) So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today- AMIR: (simultaneously) So get out there and vote for your favorite candiday-diday- Ahh, ha, ha, ha! AMIR: One second. Candiday. I'm not even saying that one word right. AMIR: Get your VDD Di- Oh my God, I'm thinking about something else. AMIR: Ahhhh! It's like a ffffff- I'm pissed off now! Candiday-di- (turns around and walks) Whoo! AMIR: So get out there and vote for your candiday-diday! JAKE: You know, you weren't blinking before, and now you just did one with your eyes completely closed. AMIR: I think both of them work. Okay, ready? Three, two, one. Get out there and vote. Blululehh. Let me take it slow and we can speed it up. JAKE: Even if you were blinking before, that's fine. AMIR: (more slowly, enunciating) So get out there and vote for your favorite candiday-diday. (Amir turns around and broods, refusing Jake's hand on his back) (Amir is still facing backwards) JAKE: Alright, let's try one m- AMIR: Don't! I said I needed two minutes. JAKE: And you've been standing there for, like, seven! AMIR: Candidate. Not even closer. (Amir is standing by himself) AMIR: (quickly) Get out there and vote for your favorite candiday-diday, favorite candiday-diday, favorite candiday-diday, oh my God. (clapping syllables) Favorite candidate-to date. (Jake and Amir are facing each other) JAKE: Candidate. AMIR: Candidididay. JAKE: Don't say today, it's messing you up, okay, candidate. AMIR: Candidididay. JAKE: (hitting Amir with both hands) Come on. AMIR: Oh! JAKE: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. AMIR: That's okay. Yeah, yeah, I needed that. JAKE: Candidate. AMIR: I feel like I got it now. Get out there and vote for your favorite candidaydiday. When you hit me, something messed me up, man. JAKE: Alright, so if you're over the age of 18- AMIR: Oh, I'm in college, I didn't register, I can't vote. Wrong! JAKE: You know, if they didn't register then you actually can't vote. AMIR: (raising mug of tea) That sounds like Tea Party philosophy to me. (dumps tea on Jake) JAKE: That was hot tea! THE END