INTRO: AMIR: Jake you're watching Amir- ah, frig. JAKE: Terrible. AMIR: Terribly bad maybe. JAKE: Right. [Jake and Amir are sitting at their desks. Jake is eating a sandwich. Streeter is masturbating at his desk in the background throughout the video.] AMIR: Ugh, I don't know how you can eat that garbage. JAKE: It's a chicken caesar salad wrap. AMIR: Yeah, do you have any idea how they made that lettuce? JAKE: On a lettuce farm? AMIR: In a friggin test tube? In a lab? On the back of human mice? JAKE: I doubt that. AMIR: You doubt, that they can grow human ears, on the back of mice? <i>Ehuheh, heh!</i> JAKE: I said I doubt that they can grow lettuce on the back of human mice. AMIR: Do you know what a humster is? JAKE: I have half an hour for lunch every day, man... AMIR: A hybrid cell line made out of hamster oocytes fertilized with male sperm. Ok, that food you're eating might as well be a cockmeat sandwich. JAKE: You're an idiot. AMIR: Better--I'm a vegan. JAKE: Meaning? AMIR: Meaning, I don't eat meat, I don't eat wheat, and I don't eat treats, now take a seat. JAKE: I'm sitting. AMIR: Sitting on a bed of lies, maybe. Deep-throating a cockmeat sandwich, praying to the only god you have that mommy doesn't find out, well guess what?-- JAKE: Why do you come to work? AMIR: Here's a riddle for ya. You know right now you can walk into a Japanese grocery store in downtown Tokyo and buy a cube of watermelon. And I'm not talking about like a cubic watermelon, I'm talking about a legit cube of watermelon. Do you have any idea how unnatural that is? JAKE: You do know that's not a riddle right? AMIR: No, did you know that right now there's a group of scientists at Monsanto on a lunch break, at a Chipotle for all I care, and when they get back, they're gonna be working on a tomato that's genetically altered to be the size of an apple. JAKE: Tomatoes are the size of apples. AMIR: NOT cherry tomatoes! And not pizza. JAKE: You're not smart, man, alright... AMIR: Did you know that tomato paste isn't a glue substitute? Like, you can't use it to glue stuff. JAKE: Yes. AMIR: Ok, well right now my dad is getting a birthday card that's drenched, unreadable and disgusting. JAKE: That one just sounds like you had a bad arts and crafts accident, alright. Why did you have to glue his card shut in the first place? AMIR: Turns out I didn't! Thank you very much, meat eater! Ohhhh! JAKE: You eat meat! Ok you eat chicken McNuggets constantly-- AMIR: No no no not in a while. JAKE: You're eating one right now. AMIR: (taking a nugget out of his mouth) Ok, one. And that was a goof, alright. Plus, you never answered my humster question--you know what it is, or not? JAKE: Well you told me it was oocytes fert-- AMIR: OO what? OO what? JAKE: OO-- AMIR: OO you're wrong! JAKE: ... AMIR: OO you're wrong! END.