INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. AMIR: Bless you! JAKE: I didn't sneeze. AMIR: I know! [Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir silently holds up a scroll.] JAKE: No. No, please-- AMIR: "Top Ten Vacation Ideas for the Summer", by Amir Judy Blume-enfeld. JAKE: Tell you what-- [to others in the office] does anybody want a computer? Does anyone want a desktop? Amir doesn't use his. AMIR: "Number ten--" JAKE: To work. AMIR: "Are you feeling zen? If not, a staycation is what I recommend. Or better yet, don't be a jerk. Unwind by being a man... and goin' to work." JAKE: So your first vacation idea is not taking one. And working. Which you're not doing right now because you're sitting here, reading me this list. AMIR: "Number nine: Stop whining about the time. Go to work. Can you?" JAKE: Can you? AMIR: "Please?" JAKE: These aren't even vacation ideas! AMIR: It's just the first two! JAKE: Still! They're in the top ten! They're on the list, that you called "Vacation Ideas"! AMIR: "Number eight: You're overweight! 'Cuz you overate. Whip your butt into shape with exercise classes. That's right: a boot camp retreat, for all y'all fatasses!" JAKE: What is relaxing about a boot camp? How is that a vacation? AMIR: "Number seven: A Sawa named Devon! This tween idol deserves that title. Shack up with 'Now and Then' co-star Devon Sawa in his Hollywood Hills bungalow! Now that sounds like a place that's... fun to go!" JAKE: ...Isn't Devon Sawa dead? AMIR: You're thinking of Brad Renfro. JAKE: ...Fine. AMIR: "Number six: Check out Brad Renfro's dicks!" [Jake grimaces in disbelief.] AMIR: "It's been too long since you've gone to see him. Won't you visit his mausoleum?" JAKE: That's impolite. Wouldn't you say that's in poor taste? Can't he rest in peace? AMIR: "Number five: an Owen named Clive! He's got a palace in the English hills, and you can visit and stay for the thrills! Clive Owen would love to have ya." JAKE: No he wouldn't! So far, three of your ideas have been about visiting celebrities who definitely don't want you there. One of whom is dead. AMIR: "Number four: Lock your door! This staycation is for you and a PlayStation 2. Lock yourself in your room all summer and close the blinds. That's the best way I know how to unwinds! And if it's a weekday... go to work!" JAKE: You know, that's almost as sad as the Brad Renfro one. How are these vacation ideas? Barely any of them have involved a destination! Most of them have involved not traveling! AMIR: "Number three: How 'bout some tea? It's a good liquid that's nice for your soul. Have it in a cup, a mug, or a... bowl..." What? JAKE: You crossed lists? With another scroll? AMIR: Shit. Yeah, I think I musta got... [sighs] I-- I need to get my shit together! [chuckles] JAKE: You need to stop writing all these scrolls. AMIR: "Number two: This jelly won't do... we need a jam or a paste of some sort; 'almond butter is nice' is my... usual retort..." I'm sorry. JAKE: What other scroll could this possibly even be from? AMIR: I'm fucking unraveling here! Wheels are coming off as I stumble across the finish line! JAKE: Just to be clear: don't think you had a good scroll up until this point. AMIR: Yeah, I had a perfect game going! JAKE: Absolutely not. AMIR: Oh! Okay, here we go. "Number one: Palm Springs. A desert getaway with your best friend." JAKE: Not going with you. AMIR: "Well I know it might be a long snot..." [Amir puts a finger over one of his nostrils, sharply exhales, and shoots an enormous amount of snot across the desk and onto Jake's shirt.] JAKE: Oh! I'm gonna throw up! AMIR: "...but I figure it's worth a shot!" JAKE: I can't believe you just snot rocketed on me. I can't believe how much came out. AMIR: "The tickets are booked. The price is right; I looked. So what sayeth thee, my FFB? Will you go away with me?" JAKE: You know what, dude? Fuck it. Snot rocket for you. Here we go-- [Jake tries to blow snot like Amir did, but nothing comes out. Jake winces.] JAKE: Aah! Idiot! [Jake tries again, and fails.] JAKE: Aah! Ass! AMIR: Do it harder, like one-- [Amir demonstrates. Jake tries and fails again.] JAKE: Oh! AMIR: Oh no! [Jake has blood pouring out of his nose.] JAKE: Oh, no! Dude! AMIR: What happened? JAKE: What happened? END