[Intro] AMIR: Hey, you're watching - let's keep it at that! JAKE: Let's say our names- AMIR: Oh, NOW you care! [AMIR walks up to JAKE.] AMIR: Jake. JAKE: Hey. AMIR: Can I trust you? JAKE: Yeah, why? [AMIR stiffens up and falls backwards.] JAKE: No- DUDE! [AMIR lands hard on the floor.] AMIR: You must feel like such shit, I trusted you and you let me down! JAKE: No, not really. AMIR: I'll tell you how you can make it up to me. JAKE: I just told you I didn't feel bad. AMIR: I registered at Sky Mall! JAKE: Are you even hurt? AMIR: Emotionally? JAKE: No. AMIR: Yes. Physically? JAKE: Yes. AMIR: No. AMIR + JAKE: ...What? AMIR: I sent you the registry, dude! Just get me something off of it and we'll call it Even Steven Segal. JAKE: Yeah, I'm not gonna get you anything off of the Jake Fucked Me registry. AMIR: I don't know why not, 'cause you did! JAKE: Why do you even want a Nunsmere Bronze Elephant Trunk Sconce? AMIR: I'm sexy and I know it! JAKE: This is extor- AMIR: Girl look at my body! JAKE: What you're doing right now- AMIR: Girl look at my body! JAKE: It's legally blackma- [AMIR now has a pair of sunglasses on.] AMIR: Girl look at my body! [Long pause.] JAKE: I have all the time- [AMIR has regular glasses again.] AMIR: I work out! JAKE: Here's a question, what are you gonna do if I DON'T get you a gift? AMIR: MURPH! JAKE: Aaaiieeeurgh! Chill, man! [MURPH walks up to JAKE.] MURPH: What's going on here, guys? JAKE: Dude, yeah right, no way.. Nothing. MURPH: You didn't, uh... You didn't catch Amir there, huh? JAKE: You know what, Murph? I've been working out, so I've got news for you: You come at me, I'm gonna run away so fast, that I'm gonna tell on you! MURPH: ..Are you a bitch, Jake? JAKE: No! AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: Yeah, I don't know, what do you.. what do you want me to say? MURPH: If you're a bitch, I think you should tell EVERYBODY that you're a bitch. AMIR: Agreed. JAKE (quietly): Come on, man, I'm- I'm a bitch, what do you want? MURPH: Say it... like I didn't TELL you to say it. [Pause. Jake looks nervous.] AMIR: Say it. JAKE: I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch, come on! MURPH: When you say come on, it sounds like you're saying it for me. Don't say it for me! I don't want to hear it! EVERYONE wants to hear that you're a bitch, Jake! [Brief pause.] MURPH: Say it. JAKE: I'M A BITCH! I AM, I REALLY AM! I'M A BITCH, OKAY?! I'M A HUGE FRIGGIN BITCH! Are you happy? MURPH: Now you buy me and Amir that bronze elephant trunk wall sconce, and we call it Even Steve Seagal. JAKE: Come on, you want one too? MURPH: THEY'RE TASTEFUL AS FUCK, BRO. You got a problem? JAKE: Okay, this is bullying, and I DO have to take it! [JAKE chuckles.] JAKE: But you know what? I'm drawing the line, AND I AIN'T BUYING YOU YA GUYSES WALL SCONCES, alright? [JAKE pulls out his wallet.] JAKE: Here's my wallet, you can use my money, but you're buying your own damn sconce! Think fast. [JAKE tosses his wallet in the air. MURPH slams it into the floor, near AMIR. AMIR flinches.] JAKE: Weak, dude! Weak! MURPH: Fall back. Trust me. JAKE: No, no-one's gonna catch me! AMIR: I did it! MURPH: Cross your arms and fall backwards. Trust me. JAKE: Fine, fine, just let me take off my studded belt. MURPH: Oh, god... JAKE: I'm only wearing it because it's laundry day! MURPH: You wash your belts? JAKE: Do you want me to fall, or not? MURPH: Put it on inside out. JAKE: WEAK! [JAKE puts the belt on inside out.] MURPH: Next notch. [JAKE puts the belt onto the next notch.] MURPH: NEXT. NOTCH. JAKE: Dude, it really kills. MURPH: Suck in. [JAKE sucks in his gut and puts it on the next notch. He groans loudly.] MURPH: Now fall. [JAKE prepares himself, then falls. MURPH somehow appears behind him and catches him. Dramatic music plays.] MURPH: I will ALWAYS catch you, Jake. [MURPH stares into the distance.] JAKE: ...What the fu- END (Link to Episode)