INTRO- AMIR: Jake and Amir. You're watching it. Us. Our video. JAKE: Do you need a script? AMIR: Yes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INT: CollegeHumor Office (Amir enters in Dorothy dress with fireman helmet on) AMIR: Ugh! Long day (sits at desk) and it's just getting started. JAKE: No. It's 5:30. AMIR: Well, it's gotta be 5:30 somewhere. JAKE: It is. Here. AMIR: Just sendin' out my minions soon to do (said in Amir's classic nasal voice) the dirty work. (In his normal voice) Sendin' out my minions to do the- AMIR AND JAKE: dirty work. JAKE: Got it. I actually don't want you to explain anything else because I do not want to be involved in whatever you- AMIR: 300 kids in 213 neighborhoods. All over the city. Plus! A little upstate New York. I even got one in Allentown, PA workin' for me! Dude's a little shit though. Met him on Facebook. JAKE: How'd you meet the other ones? AMIR: Facebook. But they all weren't little shits about it. JAKE: Got it. AMIR: Jake. These kids are bringin' home 2 pillow cases full of candy, min. I skim 10% off the top and pay them double face for each piece. (Laugh) JAKE: So you're paying them? AMIR: Oh, out of the nose man. I'm like Willy Wonka, baby. Chomp Chomp, bitch. JAKE: Willy Wonka never said that. Why would you pay them for candy bars? AMIR: Dude it's ridiculous. I ended up owing a kid over $800 last year for a frickin' York Peppermint Patty. I don't know. JAKE: How is that two times face? AMIR: That one got away from me. I'll admit it. It was a slippery slope there, so. JAKE: Okay, well you know that: A) You can buy your own candy at the store and B- AMIR: All right. Stop right there! Okay, because I'm not doing this for the candy, all right. JAKE: So why are you paying kids literally hundreds of dollars- AMIR: Thousands of dollars. JAKE: Thousands of dollars! AMIR: Can you just shut up one second?! I'm on Facebook Chat with this little twerp from Allentown. Now he's telling me that I have to pay for my own train ticket out there. Okay, so, how do I get back? Do I ask his dad for a ride? Clearly not because his dad's already pissed at me for talking to the 13-year-old while he's at school. JAKE: Why are you wearing a dress? AMIR: Okay, all right, all right. How long have you been sitting on that question, Hurwitz? What else? JAKE: I'm serious. It's Thursday, it's not Halloween. There's no Halloween- AMIR: Laundry Day. Okay? JAKE: So you had no other clean clothes? AMIR: No! What? No! Laundry Day is when I steal shit from Laundromats. You think I bought this dress? No! I'm like Willy Freakin' Wonka. JAKE: You don't know who Willy Wonka is. AMIR: Chomp. Chomp. JAKE: Who's washing a fireman's helmet? AMIR: You gotta promise not to tell on me, man. THE END