INTRO Jake - Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Amir - Laugh! Jake - The video hasn't started. Amir - Okay. (Jake and Amir are in a park, sitting on the grass) JAKE: Thanks again for agreeing to do this. AMIR: No worries. JAKE: You're the last person I wanted to ask, but the only guy I know who knows Hebrew. AMIR: (Bowing) I am honored. JAKE: Don't be honored, I was saying it to-- (Talking over each other) AMIR: It is an honor-- JAKE: It's not an honor AMIR: Thank you very much, I am honored. JAKE: Don't be. AMIR: You've honored me. JAKE: You know what, forget it. I actually don't need you. I'll use an iPhone app or something, just get out of here. AMIR: I'm already honored, I'm staying. JAKE: Just don't be honored— Okay, here she is. (Rachel sits down next to them) RACHEL: (With a slight accent) Hello. JAKE: Hello. AMIR: Shalom. JAKE: You don't have to translate that. AMIR: (Hebrew) I don't have to translate that. (He and Rachel laugh) JAKE: Please stop. AMIR: (Hebrew, to the Rachel) Stop! JAKE: No no no no no, not you, him. Translate that. AMIR: I mean, c'mon, she pretty much gets it. JAKE: She pretty much doesn't, okay? She stopped laughing. AMIR: Ya, cause that was a bad joke. JAKE: It wasn't a joke. RACHEL: (Hebrew) I'm sorry, I missed the train. I must look terrible. AMIR: She missed the train and had to run here, so she feels gross and ugly. JAKE: No, no, you're beautiful. Tell her she's beautiful. AMIR: Well, then you'll look a little desparate, so... JAKE: Okay, well just say it. AMIR: Well, she's probably just fishing for compliments, trust me dude, you do not— JAKE: Why did I even invite you here then, okay? Just say that to her. AMIR: (Hebrew) You're just fishing for compliments. You don't look good. JAKE: What did you say to her? AMIR: Nothing we both don't already think. JAKE: Just tell her that I want to take her out to dinner tonight. AMIR: (Still in English) Jake says don't expect him to pay, okay? You guys are splittin' the bill. Even in Israel, people are going Dutch. JAKE: Hey, dude? AMIR: I mean, it's 2011, so stop waiting for a-- JAKE: Buddy, you're talking in English and you're not saying what I said! Alright? You're an asshole! (Amir begins to translate that) JAKE: Don't say that to her. AMIR: (Hebrew) You look pretty. JAKE: (Talking to Rachel )No! No, look at me. No. RACHEL: Goodbye! (She gets up and walks away) JAKE: Hey! (To Amir) What are you doing? (Jake follows her) Hey, Rachel, wait. JAKE: Look, you're mad at me for all of the wrong reasons. RACHEL: I'm mad at you because you saw me speaking Hebrew at a bar and hit on me, demanding that I come meet you here at this park, that you'd have a translator. I told you I spoke English well, and you laughed, saying that it was a cute attempt at speaking normal. JAKE: It was. RACHEL: I figured I'd come here for a free meal, but you are so unbearable to be around, that it's not worth it! Though I am happy that you're not wearing that ugly fedora anymore. And those dog tags. JAKE: I'm still wearing the dog tags, alright? But you know what, I'm glad that this isn't gonna work out because fashion is the #1 most important thing in my life, and you don't got it. (Raising up his hand as a peace sign, which a leather band around his wrist) So peace out. RACHEL: Is that a watch? JAKE: It's a leather band, sister. RACHEL: Ugh. (She leaves) JAKE: Is that funny? (To Amir, who walks up beside him) Way to go man, you blew that for me, she's a Lesbian. AMIR: I blew it, or she's a Lesbian? JAKE: Both, to be honest. (Holding up his wrist) Tell me, what do you think about— AMIR: Not stylin'. JAKE: Then help me take it off! AMIR: Your hand is purple. JAKE: Ya, cause it's small. I stole the belt off my sister's frickin' doll, dude. THE END