INTRO AMIR: Happy Halloween and Merry Christmas from Jake and Amir! JAKE: Just the first one. AMIR: All right. [Jake is on his laptop, with ear buds in, away from his desk. Amir shows up.] AMIR: Oh! There you are. [chuckles] Where have you been? JAKE: I just came over here to try to find some peace and quiet-- AMIR: [interrupting] Huh? JAKE: ...came over here to try to get some work done, alright? It's the one quiet place in the whole office. AMIR: It's only me over there! [laughs] Who are you looking to avoid? JAKE: Never mind. AMIR: Oh! Let me show you a magic trick. Stick out your tongue. JAKE: I really don't have time right now, okay? AMIR: Come on! Please? Just stick out your tongue. It'll only take a second! We never have fun anymore. JAKE: Oka-- AMIR: Have you realized that? JAKE: Fine-- AMIR: Everyone walks around with their button-up suits-- JAKE: Hey-- AMIR: --and suddenly it's, like, illegal to have fun. [Jake takes out his ear buds and puts them down. He sticks out his tongue.] JAKE: Ahhhh-- [Amir immediately kicks him in the face. There is a spray of blood that reaches the ceiling, and Jake's tongue-- severed by his teeth from the impact-- flies across the room. Jake screams.] AMIR: Oh-- damn it, I'm sorry. I think I messed up. Was I wearing shoes? [Jake screams and drops to the floor, looking for his tongue.] AMIR: Okay. Alright. You got-- you got the point across, you diva! You're overreacting. You're being so dramatic! [Amir walks over and playfully kicks Jake's hand to make him lose his balance. He grabs Jake's tongue.] AMIR: Got it! [laughs] You owe me one, you little drama queen. Hey, uh, why don't we have a French kiss and we'll call it even? [Amir begins kissing the severed tongue as Jake writhes on the floor, screaming.] AMIR: Oh, yeah! [laughs] Oh! Oh, Jake! Tastes like sushi! [laughs] Relax, dude. What's the matter? Me got your tongue? [laughs] Just joking. Same thing happened to me last week when Leron tried the trick on me. It's actually a lot easier than-- [Jake gets up and begins strangling Amir. There's a cracking sound, and Amir goes limp. Pat walks by and sees them.] PAT: Oh my God... Amir! Amir, oh my God-- Jake! Get off of him! [throws Jake to the ground] Amir! Wake up, man. Breathe, buddy! Breathe! [Pat performs mouth-to-mouth on Amir.] JAKE: Oh God... where's my tongue, man? PAT: Jake, don't die on me, man! [Pat resumes mouth-to-mouth on Amir.] JAKE: He killed me, man... PAT: Jake, stay with me, buddy! [Pat resumes mouth-to-mouth.] JAKE: ...Where's my tongue-- PAT: Shut the fuck up! [Amir comes to.] PAT: You're alive, man! You did it, buddy. JAKE: Where's my tongue... AMIR: Get off of me! Ass. [pushes Pat away] Jake! Stand back, everyone! Stand back! You do not die on me man, [doing CPR] you are not! Going to die! On me! [Amir performs mouth-to-mouth. Jake, who was never unconscious in the first place, is trying to fight Amir off.] AMIR: He's alive! [cackling with relief] He's alive! [Jake moans in pain.] AMIR: Seemed to have, uh... bit his tongue off in the process of hanging out, but, uh... that's normal. [pause] That's gonna happen. END