INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching a pimp and Amir! AMIR: Nice! JAKE: I'm a pimp! AMIR: I know. JAKE: I am! [Jake and Amir are at their desks. Jake is on his phone. Amir is playing with some wind-up chattering teeth. Jake abruptly bursts into song, which startles Amir.] JAKE: [singing] I'm swiping right! I matched on Tinder...! She is sixteen. AMIR: Sixteen? JAKE: Nineteen. Easy does it. Nineteen. What did I sing? AMIR: Sixteen. JAKE: Pervert! That's illegal. AMIR: Yeah! JAKE: Yeah. AMIR: ...Yes. JAKE: Okay. AMIR: Okay. JAKE: Alright. AMIR: Good. JAKE: So we're clear, she's sixteen-- nineteen! Now you got me sayin' it! [laughs] AMIR: You said it first! JAKE: Anyway, this is a snatch made in Heaven! Alright? Nineteen. Her name is Lod. [pronounced "load"] AMIR: Lord? JAKE: Lod. L-O-D. As in she has double-D's. It's French or some shit, and I'm going to french... [miming licking breasts] ...her tits! AMIR: I wonder if I should get Tinder! JAKE: I'm gonna stop you right there. I wouldn't do that, just 'cause you're what my Tinder coach would call an app-killer. You're someone who doesn't just get left-swiped; you actually inspire people to delete the app. [laughing] You're ugly. AMIR: Mean! JAKE: Sometimes the truth hurts. You've got to embrace it. I was an app-killer myself before I met Chet, but it only cost me fifty bucks per match to become Mr. Right-Swiped! AMIR: Loser! You have a Tinder coach? JAKE: Goddamn right I do. AMIR: How many matches have you gotten? JAKE: [holding up one finger] Just the one. Just the one so far, but I've only been right-swiping for a year. [Amir makes an incredulous face. Jake mocks him defensively.] AMIR: Long time. JAKE: The trick? Shirtless pics! That's right, a topless pic for this thick dick makes the chicks-- [Jake gags.] AMIR: Oh. [Jake gags again.] AMIR: Oh! [Jake gags a third time.] AMIR: Why? [Jake vomits onto his desk. Amir watches in astonishment. Jake spits out the last of the vomit and continues.] JAKE: ...sick! AMIR: Holy shit. How? JAKE: [clearing his throat] I fingered a cat, dude! At a shelter! AMIR: Inhumane! JAKE: [wiping his mouth] I guess I'm just excited about my date with Lod tonight. AMIR: That's not a good reason! JAKE: With Lod. AMIR: Where are you taking her? JAKE: Get this, dude: I'm gonna meet her online. She's got a cam, and I am her man! Me and a couple other choice bachelorinos are going to, uh... [makes a masturbating gesture] ...kinda jack it, while she [singing] talks dirty to me! [dancing, trying to sing the sax line of "Talk Dirty" by Jason Derulo] Da-na-na, da, da-na-na-na-naaa, na-na-na, na, naaa-na-na! AMIR: ...She's a bot. JAKE: What the fuck did you just say? AMIR: ...I mean, it's clear to me-- JAKE: Whoa, buddy! What the fuck did you just say about my girlfriend? AMIR: These photos are of-- JAKE I'm gonna tell you one thing right now, before you say what I think you're about to say. This "bot", as you're gonna callously call her? She might be my future wife, and the mother to my future children! So please, I beg of you, actually I demand of you, to proceed with reverence. AMIR: All-- JAKE: Tread lightly. Fucker. AMIR: All these photos are of different strippers. JAKE: Meaning? AMIR: Meaning, this one's blonde. This one's a redhead. This one's Asian! JAKE: Yeah! Lod keeps you guessing, man. That's why I dig her. Plus we really connected over chat! Things got real! AMIR: Yeah, she wrote "Hey, cutie. Want to see me tonight? Go to livecamgirlwhores.co.nz and enter your billing info." JAKE: Yes! I kind of like when girls ask for what they want. I think that's sexy. Maybe you disagree. AMIR: You responded "I don't have a credit card. Can I PayPal or Venmo you? I think this could be the real deal, and I'd hate to lose you over a technicality, Lod." JAKE: Sorry for me telling her what I want too! AMIR: She responds "Sorry, cutie. No cash. Need billing info." JAKE: Fair. AMIR: You write "Shit, shit, shit. Okay, calling my dad. Do not hang up, please." JAKE: I was worried about losing her. AMIR: She writes "Don't worry, cutie. This is a text conversation. There is no hanging up." JAKE: She's there for me when I'm feeling weak. AMIR: Alright... JAKE: By the way, I resent the implication that I'm not good at texting. I'm a Casanova in that regard. AMIR: Yeah, you finally respond "My dad yelled at me, but I cried, cried, cried, and my mommy was able to make things right by snagging a pic of Dad's CC." JAKE: There we go. Everything's right in the world. AMIR: "Sending you some major coin as we squeak." JAKE: She deserved it. AMIR: She says nothing! JAKE: Didn't have to. AMIR: You write again "I love you." JAKE: 'Cause I do. AMIR: She said nothing. JAKE: Didn't have to. AMIR: You write "I love you so much, Lod." JAKE: I do. I love her so much. AMIR: She says nothing. JAKE: Didn't have to. AMIR: Okay, 'cause then you said "I'll see you tonight on the cam. I love you so much, Lod." JAKE: What don't you understand, dude? She's playing hard to wet! AMIR: She just wrote back "Can't do tonight, cutie." JAKE: What? AMIR: "I withdrew a thousand dollars from the account as a holding fee for next week." JAKE: No... AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: No! AMIR: Yes. JAKE: Lod! AMIR: What? JAKE: Why, Lod? END