INTRO AMIR: Ho ho ho! Happy Thanksgiving! JAKE: Wrong. AMIR: Sorry! [Jake is working at his desk. Amir sits down with another ancient scroll.] AMIR: Hear ye, hear ye! Can anybody hear me? [Before Amir can continue, Jake gets up and leaves.] AMIR: [gasps with indignation] Unreal! [Jake is in the bathroom. A pair of feet descend stealthily to the floor in the stall beside him. It's Amir, who's brought his scroll with him.] AMIR: [yelling] "Top Ten Alternatives to Turkey on Thanksgiving", by Amir Raymond Blumois! JAKE: You know, turkey's a pretty important part of the holiday, pal. AMIR: It's animal cruelty! "Number ten: Did you know that turkey is a live hen?" JAKE: Misinformation. AMIR: "That's why I'm telling you... to eat a wren!" JAKE: Wouldn't that still be animal cruelty? AMIR: "How are you going to have bird love for a pheasant you've never heard of?" JAKE: I've heard of a wren. AMIR: "Number nine: Feeling swine! What's that jive? Slit that piggy's throat while it's still alive. Come on, bud! Drink his blood!" JAKE: Okay, that's more animal cruelty than is already necessary on Thanksgiving. AMIR: "Number eight: Would it kill you to put some veggies on your plate? A strawberry, a yam, asparagus, or meat." JAKE: Sorry-- which one of those is a vegetable to you? AMIR: Asparagus! Asparagus is a vegetable! JAKE: Yeah, you also said "strawberries" and "meat". AMIR: And "yam"! JAKE: That's a root vegetable, b-- fi-- just... move on. AMIR: "Number seven: I'm eleven! A throwback Thursday to my tweenage years, when my dad gave me three aged beers. Child Services gave me away, but that very afternoon, gave me right back! Turns out I pissed off all the wrong people in the Clerk's Office. They figured what my dad was doing to me was more than deserved: it was earned!" JAKE: Oh my God, that's dark. AMIR: "Have you ever seen an admitted child abuser get off scot-free? Yeah, I wish it happened to someone else... and not me!" JAKE: Pretty mean to wish that on someone else. AMIR: "My dad defended himself in the courtroom, and all he did was stand up, point at me, and say, 'I rest my case.' The loser got a standing O, and then my court-appointed attorney gave him a handy and a blow! Two jobs for the price of fun!" JAKE: You know what? Stop it. Don't make me feel sympathy for you, alright? You don't deserve it. AMIR: "Number six: Can't be fixed! But that don't matter, 'cause we got" [singing] "gold teeth, Grey Goose, trippin' in the bathroom; we don't care... we got something in our hair... 'Cause we'll never be royal!" [There's a flush from outside. Dave Resenberg is in the bathroom as well, at the urinal.] DAVE: Yo, Amir! AMIR: What? DAVE: You suck. AMIR: Very nice, asshat. Who's that? DAVE: Dave Rosenberg. AMIR: Alright, good... we're good then. DAVE: Yeah, you're just saying that 'cause I can kick your ass. AMIR: I'm saying 'cause I'm... just-- leave me alone. I'm busy. Christ. DAVE: I'm gonna wait outside, and I'm gonna kick the shit out of you. AMIR: Right, I know. Just let me finish the list. [Dave goes to stand right outside the bathroom door.] AMIR: Dumbass. JAKE: Wow, man. That made me really depressed. You are... such a small coward. AMIR: "Number five: Put the car in drive! I'm talkin' 'bout a Whopper from Wendy's and Dunkaroos from the D's! Eatin' it in the backseat of your car alone, because nobody came with me's." JAKE: What a sad way to spend Thanksgiving. Alone, eating McDonald's? Which doesn't sell Dunkaroos, by the way. AMIR: ..."Number four: Dave's mom's a whore." [Dave storms back into the bathroom.] DAVE: You piece of shit! [Dave begins trying to kick down the stall door.] AMIR: [frantically] "Number three: Jake, please help me!" JAKE: Did you know this was going to happen? AMIR: "Number two: this latch won't do! Oh, this hulking ape is more than a chape, and look at me, this frightened queer Jew!" [Dave kicks the door down.] AMIR: Ohh! "Number one: What's done is done. I've, I've-- I've-- I've made my bed, and I said what I said. There's... there's a beating that's coming, and it won't do me any good running, so... I guess I'm caught on the can, and I must be a man. Do what you must. I accept your blows." [leaning forward] "Break my jaw; eviscerate my nose." JAKE: Pal! Easy with the weird death wish! AMIR: "But maybe... just maybe, my bravado is uh... is a-stirring something inside you. There's a kinship here, a-- a mutual respect on a cos--" [Dave kicks Amir in the face. Amir falls limp against the back wall.] DAVE: [to Jake] He's dead. [Amir twitches.] END