Sam: (announcer voice) This episode of Jake and Amir—who are you? Jake: Who are you? [Jake is carrying a mug into the kitchen when Amir walks into him with an oxygen mask and hood on, startling Jake.] Amir: We're dead. Jake: Okay... Amir: (taking off hood and mask) I don't think you heard me; I said... We're goners. Jake: Actually, you said we were dead. Amir: So you did hear me... Jake: You're the one who said I didn't. Amir: Right.. OH, what does it matter? I've got swim flu... Jake: Swine flu. Amir: Wine flu... Jake: I was right with swine flu. Amir: Sure. Jake: Why do you think you have it? Amir: I may or may not have open-mouth French kissed a pig snout while he sneezed into my mouth. Jake: Okay, so you might actually have it. Amir: Yeah. Jake: I guess, why did you that? Amir: I don't know, I was just—I guess I was watching the news and falling asleep, and they're like Salads are good for you! or This is bad for you! and This is salads are good—I don't know, I guess I mixed it up because I haven't had a salad since and [Jake: (listening) Okay.]—WHAT DOES IT MATTER, I'm gonna die! Jake: Yeah, you might die. [Amir sighs.] And where did you get a pig? Amir: Leron has one. Jake: Your cousin had a pig? Amir: Well, no... He—I don't know, I don't think so... Jake: You just said he did. Amir: Yeah... ugh. Jake: Okay, tell me exactly what happened. Amir: All right, I was sitting down, eating a sandwich... Jake: Don't lie to me about anything. Amir: OKAY, I was standing up, eating a sleeve of wafer cones, Mom. Jake: So you lied to me about standing? Amir: Sure. And then, I don't know, I fell asleep, and then I woke up, and somewhere in the middle I guess I fucked a pig. Jake: You fucked a pig, or you made out with a pig? Amir: I know, I'm just thinking worst-case scenario here. Jake: The worst-case scenario: You're already dead. Amir: Oh.. my god. So, well, we're hanging out, so this might be Heaven. Jake: Ooh, or Hell. Amir: Okay, quick little test: If we are dead [Jake: (responding) A test...], then, I can't KILL MYSELF right now! [Amir grabs knife to wrists.] Jake: OH MY G— THE END