INTRO AMIR: Hey, you are watching Jake and Amir! (laughs) That was funny! JAKE: Why? What was funny? AMIR: I don't know... AMIR throws a pencil to grab JAKE's attention and then waves at him. JAKE shakes his head. AMIR: I'm sorry, do I have swag? JAKE: (sighs) AMIR: And enough said! JAKE: I didn't say anything. AMIR: Exactly, the fact that you didn't answer right away with an enthusiastic voice yes means obviously I don't! JAKE: Yeah, you know what, I guess you don't. AMIR: Hahaha...wow that's the nail in my metaphorical -for now- coffin. JAKE: Jesus. AMIR: I'm a serious jude, I eat at the chillest restaurants, hang out with the hottest guys, and yet I don't have swag! You know why? Cause of my frickin' jew nose and my two beady jew eyes. JAKE shakes his head disapprovingly, once more. AMIR: (starts crying) JAKE: Are you really crying again? AMIR: This is so dumb! JAKE: Yes! OK, you are 30 years old. People are married with kids at your age and you are crying, okay? You-- you don't wear the best clothes, by the way. You are currently wearing a pair of khakis that you shit in over a year ago! AMIR: It was J-Crew! JAKE: Wash them! AMIR: I am serious dude! I honestly feel like god owes me money at this point for dealing me more than a shit hand. And I am not talking about being paid back karmically, like with a good career opportunity, or a love interest. I am talking about Him! Owing me! Cash! JAKE: You self-centered piece of shit. AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: Prick. AMIR: Watch out. JAKE: You are a microscopic fleck of dirt, dude! AMIR makes a "wow" expression. JAKE: You are awful, you are an awful ugly person. AMIR: Agreed. With two buck teeth and no ears! JAKE: You have ears. AMIR: Oh, bullshit, you are just trying to make me feel better. JAKE: You know, I am not talking about your physical appearance, I am saying your attitude is so negative that it makes you an ugly person. AMIR: Yeah, I agree! Also, I have not one, not two, but one infected nipple ring! JAKE: What if I just told you that you have swag? Would you stop talking then? AMIR: No, because at this point, I feel like you'd just say it to shut me up and it wouldn't mean anything because you didn't say it originally! JAKE: You have swag. Silence. AMIR tries to start a sentence, multiple times. AMIR: For real? JAKE: Yah. AMIR: Yah. AMIR wears sunglasses. AMIR: Thank you. Actually, that means a lot coming from you, believe it or not I, uh, (smirks) I don't know, I'm kind of weirdly obsessed with you I guess...hah, so for you to say something like that to me, I don't know-- JAKE: Cool. It's fine. AMIR: I like it, I guess. JAKE: Quiet. AMIR: I appreciate it. JAKE: You are welcome. AMIR: (singing in the melody of "I got you, babe") cause I got swag JAKE: A few seconds ago-- (silence) what the fuck was that? AMIR: It was a stupid, stupid song. JAKE: Go ahead and finish it. I'd love to see this, yeah. AMIR: I made a dumb, cause I thought you'd cut it off, there's no end to it, it's just-- it's like, uh-- I barely wrote it. It's basically like, uh, this and that. The tune is-- I can't do the tune now, because I'm like... about to cry, but the lyrics were the weakest link, they were-- it's so dumb, why do you make me do this? It's hard to say without the tune, which is actually, pretty tight, but I can't do that because I am sad as shit. It was (attempts to sing) I got swag... I got swag... Tell the world that-- JAKE: Does it feel like you have swag? AMIR: It actually feels like a, uh, burning sensation in my chestal area! (lifts shirt) JAKE: That's an infected nipple! AMIR: Hashtag swag!