INTRO Amir- Hey you're watching Jake and-A BEAR? What the hell is that? Jake- Focus, man. AMIR: No! JAKE: What? AMIR: None of your business, alright? My little cousin sent me this questionnaire to fill out over email because he has to do a profile on somebody he respects for his journalism class. JAKE: Why'd you say none of my business and then immediately answer my question? AMIR: Will you help me answer these questions or not? I just forwarded you the email. JAKE: Yeah, you did: (reading email) amir@dailydizzydinkydeals.com, you gotta change that email address. AMIR: Thanks for the tip! (snickers) Seriously, thank you for the tip, but can you help me out, please? JAKE: What's so hard about the survey? (reads email) What are some characteristics of a good employee at your company? AMIR: I mean I hate to say this ... but throwing lit matches on people while they're taking a dump. JAKE: You should hate to say that. Everybody else hates when you do it. (reading from email) Where do you see yourself in five years? AMIR: Just say 'Go fuck yourself'. JAKE: Why does your cousin respect you? AMIR: Is that in there? JAKE: You said it! Right up top, you said your cousin had to do a profile on somebody he respects. AMIR: Is the question on the questionnaire? JAKE: -And you just said 'Go fuck yourself' to him. What grade is he in? AMIR: Third, he's repeating the third grade. JAKE: You know what, Where do you see yourself in five years? let's write 'dead', and hope for the best, right? AMIR: (shrugs) Yeah. JAKE: (reading from email) How important was your high school education in getting your job? Do you think it's important for high-schoolers to take their education seriously? AMIR: Stop that right there- JAKE: -I was done. AMIR: -Let me answer that question with a rap: (plays beat on computer) Math? Ha! Math was crap. If you wanna know why, then steal a hen. Learning shit is for nerds and jocks. Don't believe me? Ask my uncle. Green, blue, brown, and red. Go to school and you regret it. I got ninety nine problems, and a bitch (makes eating gesture) ate one. (looks at Jake expectantly) JAKE: Jesus Christ, that was the worst thing I've ever heard in my entire life. AMIR: (quietly) I know... JAKE: You don't know. You couldn't possibly know how bad it was because if you did, you probably would've never attempted to say it in front of anybody. AMIR: News flash! (lifts shirt to expose his hairy nipples) JAKE: Oh, shave 'em! AMIR: That only took me a week. Yeah, I did that over the course of several weekends, so who feels bad now? JAKE: You should. AMIR: I do. JAKE: (quoting Amir) Math was crap / If you wanna know why, then steal a hen. AMIR: Bad. JAKE: What an awful, ugly pair of sentences. Yeah, bad! AMIR: -Agreed, agreed. JAKE: -You agree? Why'd you do it? AMIR: At best? It sucked. JAKE: Dude, I feel bad for you! I legit feel bad for you; that was like one of the simplest things I've ever seen you struggle with. AMIR: I know, the beat sucked shit, too. JAKE: No it didn't, the beat was fine. AMIR: Okay, good, because my cousin Leeron came up with it. I'm glad he did something right. (snickers) JAKE: Did he come up with the rap? AMIR: No, that was all me. JAKE: So it sounds like he did everything right, and you did everything wrong. AMIR: Mhm. JAKE: I think I have to turn off my computer and just go home, that really ruined my day. AMIR: Yeah, it was suck suck. I think, I think I'm gonna have to turn off my computer and go home too, I mean I feel bad about myself. JAKE: (shakes head) AMIR: Beat was crap, the rap was crap- JAKE: -Beat was fine, beat was good! Rap was really bad. AMIR: Absolutely-Hey! You're preaching to the chair. JAKE: Why couldn't you think of a rhyme for crap? (Pat storms in) PAT: You! (points to Amir) Are you fucking insane? You threw a match at me while I was taking a dump!