INTRO AMIR: (southern accent) Welcome down to the Jake and Amir barbecue. Things are getting- JAKE: Oh my God. AMIR: (interrupting) What? JAKE: I hate you! EPISODE AMIR: (sighs) My God, look at that! Look at it! JAKE: What? AMIR: That guy's being so reckless with his roller bag. JAKE: He's standing next to it. AMIR: He's not even keeping an eye on the roller. Like, ehe! JAKE: Chill, why do you care? AMIR: 'Cause I'm passionate about a lot of things, OK man, and suitcase theft aint one of 'em. JAKE: So then you don't care. AMIR: Usually not, but like, ahh, I really feel like I gotta teach that guy a lesson or something. JAKE: Don't teach anybody a lesson, alright, you don't know reading. AMIR: Well I know enough to spell suitcase, Ok and that guy's not treating his with any respect. JAKE: Spell suitcase. AMIR: Swy, U, I, D, K, A, A, Y, C, E! JAKE: (As Amir is spelling) Wrong, wrong, you're wrong, you're so quickly wrong, you're wrong right off the bat don't fight me on it, Ok? Stop yelling. AMIR: Ok, if I can jack that guy's suitcase will you admit that I'm right? JAKE: About what, the spelling? AMIR: About (brief pause) everything! JAKE: Ok, no, because none of the letters were correct, and also, you know, he's not being that reckless with his suitcase 'cause he's standing pretty close to it, in a building, with security, surrounded by regular, employed adults. AMIR: That cool cat thinks he can hot dog. JAKE: Great, you've stopped listening to me. AMIR: I'm about to go kangaroo jack his roller backpack. (chuckles) JAKE: Bad joke- AMIR: Shh! JAKE: Alright. (Amir gets up and runs, grabbing the suitcase) AMIR: Sneak attack! (Man immediately grabs it as well) MAN: Hey! AMIR: Hey, Ok, you just failed the reckless test, sir, that's right I could've jacked this if you weren't keeping a close eye on it. MAN: Let it go. (Amir lets go) AMIR: Why? So you can just turn a blind eye to all your belongings? What's in there? Open it up! MAN: No! AMIR: Alright. Just (brief pause) cool it! MAN: Don't talk to me, don't touch my things. AMIR: I won't. If you promise me, you gotta promise me, right now, that you're gonna- MAN: Go fuck yourself! AMIR: I'm going. Alright, I'm going to fuck myself, sir, but you gotta admit- MAN: Leave! AMIR: You learned a lesson- MAN: Leave! AMIR: Lesson learned, right, hey! (to Jake) You takin' notes here? Ya fat cow! JAKE: You know, you left your wallet, open, on your desk. AMIR: What? Whatever. JAKE: You have cash spilling out of the back of your jeans. AMIR: (Turning around, dropping cash) What-ever, I said! (Reaches for bag again) Sneak attack, number two. (Man grabs it back) MAN: Hey! AMIR: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoah- MAN: I told you- AMIR: Oh-ho, yeah. THE END