INTRO Amir: *monotone* I am a robot, you're watching Jake... Jake: Unplug your nose, you asshole. Amir: OKAY. EPISODE Amir: Happy Post-Turkey Day, eveyone! Who wants 5 liters of piping-hot split pea soup? Or, should I say, shit pee poop? *laughs* No, I'm just jok-oh no! Ah! *falls over, pours soup on face* ARGH! FUCK, IT'S BOILING! Jake: O-oh my god! Amir: AH, IT'S BOILING MY FACE AND NECK! AAH, IT'S SO HOT! AAH! Jake: Hey, alright, I'm going to call 9-1-1, okay? Amir: No, it's not going to do anything! I prank call them all the time! Jake: I'll call it from my phone. Amir: I do it from your phone! Jake: Well, I'll just tell them you legitimately burned your face this time! Amir: I crank-yanked them last night with that exact line! I said, please come, I legitimately burned my face this time! They show up, there's a flaming pile of dog shit on my own apartment stoop. Got 'em good. Jake: ..did you? Amir: Nah, not really. They just left and a huge part of my apartment burned down. Can you do me a favor? Jake: What? Amir: I'd like to stay with you in order to recoup from this injury. I need you to be my nurse for a week. Jake: ...no. Amir: What? You already said yes! How could you take it back now? Jake: No, I didn't. I said what. Amir: Yeah, what is yes! Why would you want to know what the favor is unless you were going to do it? Jake: To see if I wanted to agree to the favor! Amir: No! Hell no! Jake: Don't tell me what I mean. Amir: This is unreal! This was your soup! Jake: What are you talking about? Amir: I made this soup for you, right? I called you last night and I said, if I brought in leftover split pea soup, would you have some? Jake: And I said no! Amir: Exactly! And then I said, if you're not going to have it, then I'm just not going to bring any in, and you said fine. Jake: Yeah, fine as in don't bring in the soup. Amir: No, fine as in yes! Jake: Stop telling me what I mean by shit! Amir: Are you actually yelling at me right now? I feel like I'm being burnt alive in a cauldron, or a bowl of hot soup was dumped on my face. Jake: Have you already forgotten that that is what happened? Amir: *sigh* I'm starting to regret this whole plan. Jake: What plan, man? Amir: I figured if I scalded myself on my most important organ, my face... Jake: Wrong. Amir: For most people it's heart, for me, it's face. Jake: You're wrong. Go on. Amir: I figured if I doused myself in hot soup, you'd want to bring me in. Show me some tender love and care, y'know? Maybe rent some DVDs from Blockbuster Media. I would even eat some leftover yams that you would offer me. I don't really like yams, but I wouldn't have the heart to tell you. Jake: Well, I'm well aware that you hate yams. Amir: I hate 'em. I hate yams! Jake: Stop saying yams. Amir: ....YAMS. Jake: Look, if you really did this just to recover at my house, if you're that pathetic, lowly, and masochistic, then...y'know what? I almost do feel bad enough to have you... Amir: No, no, I don't want to do it like this. I don't want that pity invite! Jake: What are you talking about? Yes you do! You poured the soup on your face! Amir: This isn't about me. Jake: Yes, it is! Everything's about you! You're the most selfish person I know! Amir: That is not fair. Jake: Unfair? You prank called 9-1-1! You took emergency responders away from people who actually need it! Amir: Okay, y'know what? I accept the pity offer. You've made me feel like shit, and so I will accept the pity offer, but I will NOT eat the yams. Jake: Oh, you'll eat the yams. Amir: I will not eat the yams, Amir! Jake: I'M Jake, YOU'RE Amir. Amir: ...YAMS. Jake: *starts strangling AmirAmir: Aah, god, this isn't part of the yam plan! Yam plan, thank ya ma'am!