Jake: Hey bud. Amir: You called? Jake: I did not. I haven't, not for a long time. Amir: I was returning for Jake. Jake: You're not, you're not returning for anything 'cause no one called you. Amir: We're trading, playing phone tag as it were. You're it. Jake: Yeah, well I'm it then, okay? I'm it, so I'll call you. Amir: Been working on a list actually, on a small scroll as it were. Jake: That is such a small scroll. Did you print it on a receipt? How can you even read it? Amir: Top 10 activities to engage in as you stay at home and practice social distancing by Amir Raisin Cuomo IX. Jake: Wow, I hate that name change for you. Amir: Number 10: A doll named Ken. And if you can't afford a Barbie then, how about just an imaginary friend? Jake: Nice, okay, yeah, so I guess that's how children would stay entertained. Amir: Number 9: Jake: Alright, so you don't want feedback. Amir: No. Jake: Then why did you call me? Amir: I didn't call, I returned. Jake: So you did call. Amir: We're playing phone tag. Number nine: I feel fine. I'll go to a club or a pub and have a drink and some grub. As long as I'm not experiencing any symptoms, I can't be an asymptomatic carrier for the virus and put those with immunosuppressants at risk like the elderly or people with— Jake: Listen to yourself right now. You know all of this specific language and you're still wrong. How is that even possible? Amir: Number eight: Lick a gate. What are the odds that a sick person touched or licked that same gate within the last two weeks? Jake: I mean, I guess, I guess they're low, but why would you, why would you do it? And why would you include it on this list of top 10 things to do while social distancing? Amir: Number seven: A bacon named Kevin. Yeah, this movie star has gone too far. I say we dip him in oil and serve him to a horde of his angry fans. Jake: You've used that one before. Amir: No. Jake: This is just lazy writing. You're gonna take five years off and come back here with a recycled list? Amir: Number six: Go meet chicks. Self-isolation doesn't mean you have to stay at home by yourself all day. Jake: Kinda does. Amir: Really? Jake: Yeah. Amir: Book some travel and get away. You must flee when things get tense. So go abroad and lick a fence. No offense. Jake: Licking fences isn't even something you should do locally, alright? You're supposed to just stay at home. Amir: 2019 was the worst year ever until 2020 said \"hold my beer.\" Jake: Cool. What is that? Like a pickup line? Amir: It's like a meme. Jake: Okay. Nice. Amir: Number five: Become unalive. There's nothing to do but sit around and wait, so why not lay in bed in a catatonic state? Things are spiraling. We're all doomed. So close your eyes and give in to the gloom. Jake: What a dark, sad, negative, bad suggestion. Shouldn't be on this list. Amir: That's why it's number five. Jake: Yeah, I don't think it beats murdering Kevin Bacon. Amir: Oh, interesting. It's actually a good note. I may take it into consideration. Jake: Okay, and you'll what, change it? What's the point? Who are you changing it for? Amir: One second, I'm just trying to get a bird's eye view of the thing. Jake: Is it hard to read because it's so tiny? Is that what it is? Amir: I just want to make sure it's in good place for the next round of edits. Jake: Who else are you sharing this with? Amir: I might vlog about it. Jake: Vlogging is actually better than anything you've said so far. Amir: I'm a vlogger? Jake: What? Amir: Look at us, man. Who would have thought we'd be back? Number four: Lick a door. What are the odds that someone infected with COVID-19 touched or licked the same door in the last two weeks? Fairly low. People are probably busy reading a book, doing a puzzle, or licking a fence or a gate. Jake: That's the third time on this list of activities for self-isolation that you suggested licking something that people touch a lot. Amir: That's funny. Oh yeah, fence, door, gate. I didn't put that together. Jake: How was it not intentional? Amir: That's very astute of you, I was gonna say. Jake: Go ahead, just do number three please. Amir: You were always good at like figuring out the themes of shit. That's, I appreciated that about you. Jake: Thanks. Amir: Number three? Woe is me! I could vlog or poo or pee, but what's the point? Now that I have to wash my hands afterwards for like an hour, that chore is a bore. Jake: Pooping and peeing isn't a chore. I mean, you still have to do that. You still have to wash your hands. Amir: Yeah, but now that you have to wash, it's all like annoying to figure it out. Jake: You always had to wash. Amir: Not, yeah. I know. Right. I feel like we're saying the same thing. Jake: Sound like you don't know. Amir: Did we do imaginary friend? Jake: Yes, it was number 10. First thing you said. Amir: Doll named, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Doll named Ken. Jake: Doll named Ken. Don't start it again. Amir: Okay, here we are. Number two: And then, I don't know, do you have anything for that one? That one's sort of a hole right now. Jake: I don't know, why did you call me before this was a finished list? I shouldn't be involved in a rough drought. Amir: You called me! Jake: I did not call you. Christ, goddammit, just bake, okay? Learn to play an instrument, work out, do yoga, go on a walk, you can— Amir: Cough on a mice. Jake: I gave you so many options. Amir: And say all rice. Jake: Fucking finish your list. Just get to number one. Amir: Are you like mad at me, bro? Jake: What's it gonna be man? Number one, lick a bun, lay face down in the sun in a parking lot, something dangerous and nonsensical like that? Amir: Wow. Jake: Okay, I'm sorry. Amir: No, it's fine. Jake: Yeah, no, I shouldn't have yelled, okay? It's... I lost my cool. Amir: That was perfect. What was it again? Sorry, I'm trying to find my pen. It was, uh, number one... Jake: Forget it, man. Amir: \"lick a bun\" or something like that. \"Lay in the sun,\" how did you phrase it? Because it was gold. Number one… Jake: You know what? I'm gonna hang up. This has been great. See you later bud. Amir: We were having fun! I haven't talked to you in five years. Don't hang up! Hello? Siri, call the man back please. Thank you.