Amir: Hey, you're watching comedy history being made.... Jake: Stick to the script! Amir: Jake and Amir, then. Amir: [Talking to himself] Hahahaha ow! Mmm, fuck me in my goat ass. [To Jake] Another day at the races! Jake: Gotta stop saying that man, what happened to you? Amir: My snake frickin', clipped me or something. Jake: Yeah, it looks like it did clip you. Amir: Yeah went right for the jugular too, smug prick. Got me once in the neck, twice in the forearm, and then like two more times in the abdomen. Jake: So not right in the jugular, right? Why were you fighting a snake? Amir: I didn't feed the prick for like, two weeks 'cause she was being a bitch. Then I decided to start taunting her, you know, dancing around with dead mice all over my body. Dumb ass went for it! And got it! Jake: Sounds like you're the prick and the bitch because you're starving a snake. You're also the dumbass because you're dancing around a hungry snake with mice all over your body. Amir: So you're saying I'm dumber than a snake? Jake: I wasn't saying that, but yeah, for the record I do think you're dumber than a snake. Amir: OK you should have been there man, Leron was dying! Jake: He was laughing at you? Amir: No he was legit dying, like he got bit by a snake last week but he was like too cool to go to the hospital.... Jake: Was it a snake or your snake? Amir: It's my snake now because I liked her feistiness, OK? But it was a snake at the time. I thought I could tame the wild beast. Turns out.... I could! Jake: No it turns out you couldn't, cause remember it clipped you? This morning? Like six times? Amir: Mmhmm.... Jake: OK you shouldn't own pets man, you can barely keep yourself alive. Amir: OK don't tell me I shouldn't own pets, I've had like, ten owls in the past year. Jake: What happened to them? Amir: They're frickin' dead! [Hoot] gives a shit? [Jake turns away and goes back to looking at his computer] Amir: Hoot.... gives a shit! Come on man! [Jake continues to ignore him] Amir: Just so you know, this silent treatment isn't winning! Haha! Ow! [No response from Jake] Come on man! That's gold, and you're not even cracking a smile! Jake: [Miming saying the words] I can't hear you. Amir: What? Jake: [Still miming] Can't hear you. Amir: Oh my god.... I think I just turned deaf. [Jake mimes yelling] Amir: Yeah, I can't.... [bangs on desk] I can only hear noises and me, but not you. [Clapping] Like, I can't even tell if I can even hear this or just feel it.... Pat: Shut up! Amir: You shut up, OK? For the rest of my life all I can hear is noises, and you! Do you realize how doomed I am? Jake: [Out loud] You're not deaf! Amir: [Picking up open backpack with hissing snake inside] Haha, you hear that you little serpent slut? I'm not deaf! Jake: You keep it in your backpack? Amir: [holding on to snake, which is lunging and striking at him] Haha OK, whoa! Little bitch nicked me!