INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. AMIR: What year is it, 2021? JAKE: You mean 2012. AMIR: Yes. JAKE: Nice. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ JAKE: [putting on headphones] Alright, man, you ready? First podcast episode. AMIR: Nervous, what if it's not viral? JAKE: Don't worry about it being viral, just be yourself. Alright? [AMIR squints.] JAKE: [into microphone] Welcome to our new show. AMIR: [unfolds a scroll loudly] Top ten footwear to cop so you can be a hypebeast fuckboy with feet full of joy by Amir 'Joe Rogan' Blumenfeld! JAKE: [taking off headphones] Alright, yeah, I'm gonna cut. AMIR: Number ten: It's sandals for them! Try out a chukka or a Reef. Your feet shouldn't be bare when you're at the BEEF! JAKE: The beef? AMIR: The beach! JAKE: You said beef. AMIR: I said reef! JAKE: No, you rhymed reef with beef. Just... move on. AMIR: Number nine: Cop some Jordans online. JAKE: Great. At least that one belongs on the list. AMIR: And throw ‘em away. JAKE: Didn't stick the landing. AMIR: You don't need Nikes to be worth a damn. Jesus was barefoot on the cross when he died for our sin. JAKE: No rhyme, just a weird religious point that you made. What is this list? AMIR: Number eight: Sneakers have too much weight. Would it kill you to have sandals on at the bar? You can go there in Adidas slides, I mean, it's not very [pirate accent] NYAR! JAKE: Why a pirate? AMIR: [brings up a strange hand] Hold the questions till the end. JAKE: Weird hand. AMIR: Hold the questions till the end. JAKE: Awful hand. AMIR: That’s all I ask. JAKE: Move on. Separate the fingers. AMIR: Don't have a seven, don't have a six, but number five will rock the hair off your hairy, hairy pricks. JAKE: You are the one that has a hairy, hairy prick. AMIR: I don't deserve that. JAKE: You brought it up. AMIR: Streetwear is fashion, fashion is fun. Nikes are over, and Air Jordans are done. JAKE: They were number nine! AMIR: New Balance, Skechers, I won't be pissed — that's why ‘whatever’ is number five on this list. JAKE: Cool. So, you skipped seven, you skipped six, and ‘whatever’ is number five. Why are you reading this? AMIR: For the pod. JAKE: I cut! AMIR: Number four: How about a door? You don't have to wear sneakers or sandals all day, just [exhales outward] stand on a door, I won't get in your way! JAKE: [waving his hand in front of his face] Your breath continues to be awful. Can you stop having dal? AMIR: I had doll. JAKE: I know you had dal. AMIR: Not dal, a doll. I had a cornish game Ken. JAKE: Dumbass. AMIR: Number three: Eminem Carhartt Jordan collab! 30k on the day is what it'll cost your tab. If you have the funds then go get it dones. And if you can't afford that much at the store? I don't give a shit — just stand on a door. JAKE: What are you talking about? How do you stand on a door? AMIR: Stand— yeah. If you can't afford the Eminem Carhartt Jordan collab. JAKE: No, I get that part. But you can't stand on a door, right? It's one thing you can't do. AMIR: So, what's your... what's your note? JAKE: I don't know, floor? Say stand on the floor. AMIR: [confused] Stand on the f—? Who stands on a floor? JAKE: It's all stupid. AMIR: [sarcastically] Wow, I can't wait to see your list! JAKE: Nice. AMIR: Number two: [clears his throat] How about a shoe? JAKE: Yeah, how about a shoe? ‘Cause this list is top ten footwear to wear, and you've barely said any shoes. It's mostly sandals and doors. Two you skipped! AMIR: My toes are weird, my hair is long. I only have four little piggies, ‘cause my big toe is a schlong! JAKE: That's right. AMIR: I ended up getting, like, a big toe transplant situation. JAKE: Yeah. AMIR: I don't know if you remember that but— JAKE: Penis graft, I remember— AMIR: Yes, because my— my dick— JAKE: [overlapping] Yeah, you cut your cock off— AMIR: No, it fell off, it fell off. JAKE: No, it didn't fall off. AMIR: And so I made it so that my big toe was my... JAKE: Okay. Penis. I know. AMIR: Penis. JAKE: I remember. AMIR: Number one: Rankle an anklet just for fun. [singing in a strange accent] The hat is the moon and the shoe is the sun, ya walk and ya talk till the day is done! So, rankle an anklet just for fun! [AMIR looks down at his list, finished unceremoniously.] JAKE: Boo, man. AMIR: For...? JAKE: The whole entire list, especially number one. That hurt me to hear that. AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: It was grating, it was bad, nonsensical, mean to listen to... ugly, nasty— AMIR: That actually reminds me, we should say ‘this episode is brought to you by Squarespace’. JAKE: We cut. AMIR: [taking that in] Mmm. THE END