Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Amir: Get ready to live and learn. Jake: Not really. Amir: And laugh, yeah. Jake: So they do end up giving us the table. All I had to do was cry a little bit. And then we shut the place down. Amir: Crying works. Jake: Yeah, it really does. It's awesome. Yeah, so what do you want to do for lunch? There's this new place that does— it's kind of like Japanese or Chinese. Amir: No, no, no. Shmuel's Rules. Never eat at a restaurant that has more than one cuisine. Jake: I'm going to eat by myself. Amir: Why? Jake: I didn't like that. I didn't like the Shmuel's Rules thing. It didn't sit right. Amir: Everything sounds weird when it starts, you know? But then after a while it becomes part of the cultural conversation so it gets easier to say "Shmuel's Rules" and obey Shmuel's Rules. Jake: Your middle name is Shmuel. That's like a slant rhyme on your own name. Amir: Yeah, 'cause I'm trying to keep it simple. That's one of Shmuel's Rules, is to keep things simple and light. Actually, every rule has a little idiom like that. There's four per rule and then four rules per golden rule, which is tier. Don't think of it as a list. It's more of a sphere. Jake: Yeah, this is already complicated. It's not simple at all. Amir: It is, and I can explain it to you in five seconds. Except for rule one of Shmuel's Rules is to never talk about— Jake: Shmuel's Rules. Amir: —Fight Club. I hate that film. Jake: Nice. Amir: Anyway, I have a blog up and running now if you want to help me come up with any of these Shmuel's Rules. I even have some golden rules up for grabs if you want to help. That'll cost you, obviously. And it won't be cheap. Jake: Why have the website if you're not done with the rules? Amir: Because Shmuel's Rules is a living, breathing document, okay? We're all sort of chipping in, Wikipedia-style. And you can see it kind of evolve in real time on a Twitch channel that I'm gonna set up from scratch. I just need your password. Jake: So you're not setting it up. Not from scratch, right? Amir: If you don't have anything to contribute, then why don't you just shut the fuck up? How's that for a rule? How's that for a golden rule? Jake: Yeah, it doesn't mean anything to me. The rules, the golden rules, it's all just as gibberish as anything. Amir: Chinos, let's weigh in on these pants. Do you think they're good, fine, bad, or other? Jake: Don't force an opinion just to make the rule. You already have good, bad, or fine. Why do you need "other"? What's that for? Amir: It's in between the three. Jake: In between good, fine, and bad? Amir: Yeah, somewhere in the middle of that range. Jake: Great. Go with that, then. "Other." Amir: Wow, for a golden rule. Jake: You didn't say that. Amir: It'll cost ya. Jake: I know it's gonna cost— let's just do regular rules, then. Amir: Okay, it's still costing you, but a little bit cheaper. Jake: I'm not paying for anything. Amir: Holy shit! You're so cheap, I'm offering you a rule. An actual pretty good rule. Jake: What's the rule by the way, that chinos are "other"? Amir: Yeah, so there's sort of, you know, you can take it or leave it. Jake: How is it a rule? It's an opinion. Amir: You're not in a place right now to commit to anything. So let's just put other, I'll pencil it in as a regular rule. Jake: That's a regular rule that I'm not paying for. Amir: When I was a child, my pants were threadbare and this conversation right now hurt me more than that ever did. Jake: Did you think that was gonna resonate with me? Amir: I did. Jake: Why? Amir: Because I thought the thought of you thinking of me as a youth with thin pants, garmentless and Garmin-less quite frankly, wiener hanging out would make you consider to take it easy on the old man. Jake: Your brain sucks. Amir: Excuse. Jake: The rules, the golden rules. Amir: Golden rules. Jake: You thought the thought of me thinking. It's just you are a bad guy to listen to and hear. Amir: Yeah. Jake: Yeah. Amir: Actually a lot of my thoughts are interesting. I'm compiling a blog called Blum's Rooms. It's sort of my ruminations on various things from chinos to jewels. Actually, one of Shmuel's Rules resembles jewels. Jake: Can I see what your desktop looks like? Amir: No! No.