INTRO AMIR: Hey, welcome to Jake and Amir! When you're here, it's like every-- JAKE: Time's up. AMIR: Yeah, okay. Sorry. [Jake is at his desk. Amir approaches with his arm around Michael Fink, leading him towards Jake.] AMIR: [singing reverently] Make way, for Shia the Beef! [laughs] JAKE: Hey-- AMIR: [speaking, but still maintaining a tempo] Hey, you! Clear the way! It's an A-list star! Yes, you! Out of the way, it's an A-list star! JAKE: You just rhymed "star" with "star"? AMIR: I'm just flustered because I'm around a frickin' celebutante! Yeah, Shia the frickin' Beef, in the flesh! You're looking at a quadruple-threat, motherfucker! [begins counting down on his fingers for emphasis] Film star! Movie star! TV star! And guess what? [makes a popping sound with his mouth] He's got an Instagram! JAKE: Does he really? AMIR: Not yet, but you're looking at a social media team, [gestures to Mike and himself] and you'd better believe that's top-notch number-one priority. JAKE: You know you have an actual job here, right? AMIR: Not for long! JAKE: You're probably right-- also, how does having an Instagram make him a quadruple-threat? AMIR: I don't even know why I'm talking to you right now! You're sitting in the king's throne! Up, or off with your head! JAKE: This is my desk. MIKE: [pointing behind himself] I can sit over there... AMIR: No! Nonsense, sir! And I'm really sorry you have to see me like this, but please, Jake! Immediately! Get the fuck up! This is Shia the fuckin' Beef! JAKE: You know, I think you actually like when he sees you like this. I think you get off on it, 'cause you act this way every single time Mike Fink-- by the way, not Shia LaBeouf-- comes to the office. AMIR: "Mike Fink", right? "John Doe"? Okay? We don't have to use alii. We're friends here, and Shia, by the way, you're not foolin' anyone, okay? I can smell Megan Fox's naked box on your bated breath, and guess what? [imitates cunnilingus with his fingers] It tastes good! JAKE: Don't do that. AMIR: Don't tell me what to do; only one person can tell me what to do, and he's standing right here. [points to Mike] MIKE: Yeah, you really shouldn't do that. AMIR: Then I won't. JAKE: Why do you think he's Shia LaBeouf? Why do you think that? AMIR: Chia the frickin' Bean! Get it right or pay the price. JAKE: You're mispronouncing it. [Will suddenly appears and runs up to Mike.] WILL: Excuse me? Mister LaBeouf? I know it's not my place, but could I trouble you for an autograph? MIKE: ...Sure... [Mike takes Will's marker, and writes "MIKE" on his paper. Will grabs the paper excitedly and runs away.] AMIR: Now do you believe me? JAKE: What, 'cause Will asked for an autograph? AMIR: Yeah! JAKE: That guy eats his own shit. AMIR: Low blow! JAKE: How so? AMIR: Hell no! Shia, please! Enlighten the man! MIKE: My name is Mike, and I'm not a celebrity. AMIR: ...Wow! [pause] Ever humble, even though this motherfucker starred in Holes, then went on to fill up Megan Fox's holes! I'm serious, dude! You gotta tell me about that shit! I want the deets! I have such a crush on her. JAKE: This is so inappropriate for work! AMIR: Wow, Jake's never been to Hollywood, Nollywood, nor Bollywood. And it's clear to me that Megan Fox jumped on your jolly wood, and rode that dolly good! JAKE: Will you please let Mike work? AMIR: I will! And I'll help him work; in fact, I want to be your Johnny Drama and your Turtle. If there's anything you need, I'm your man. I might be a vegetarian, but tonight... I'm eating Beef! JAKE: You're not a vegetarian. AMIR: That's actually a good point: we should release a sex tape. JAKE: I didn't say that. AMIR: No no no, something tasteful at first-- you know, a little kissy-kissy, a little anal-- and then, when people aren't ready for it, boom! We hit 'em with the big one! We're viral! JAKE: What's tasteful about kissy-kissy and then going to anal? AMIR: Kissy-kissy! [makes kissing noises] Kissy-kissy! JAKE: Anal. AMIR: ...Oh. JAKE: If anal is tasteful to you, what's "the big one"? [Will walks up behind them with brown smears around his mouth.] WILL: Uh, sorry, could I get a selfie? [Will holds out his phone to take a picture of himself with Mike.] JAKE: Hey, Will, what were you eating? WILL: Uh... [takes the picture] my own shit, actually. END