INTRO Jake - Hey, you're watching Jake- can you stop taking pictures of my jeans? Amir - Whoa, pervert alert. JAKE: Okay, first things first: Take some shaving cream, put it in your hand. AMIR: Well hey, check it out, Jake and a mirror. Amir touches mirror. JAKE: That's good. Okay, so- AMIR: That was a fricken courtesy laugh! And I appreciate it! Amir touches Jake's waist. JAKE: Alright, easy, easy. Jake and Amir are both shaving. AMIR: Hey, you think this shaving cream stuff works on cats? Yes or no, bitch I'm talking to you. JAKE: I don't want you to shave a cat. AMIR: That's not what I asked you JAKE: Hey, one last thing... AMIR: Yeah? JAKE: Would you at least consider shaving your nipples? Amir moves his towel to reveal nipple hair. AMIR: No! (Chuckles) JAKE: You don't just want to shave your soul patch, right? AMIR: I don't know, haven't decided yet. JAKE: Alright. AMIT: But you decided, to be a queen douche about it. JAKE: Hey, look, I'm being nice, okay? I'm teaching you to shave right now. And you're 28-years-old so you should know or your dad should've taught you. AMIR: (Talking over Jake lecturing him) I know. Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know! I know already, I said I know! Jesus, you don't have to be a queen douche about it. Cut back to Amir with his towel moved to expose nipple hair. JAKE: Yeah, just cause the hair is so long (Amir says brown the same time Jake says long) AMIR: Brown, I know right? JAKE: No, long, is what I was going to say. AMIR: Yeah, that too. JAKE: That only. Jake and Amir are shaving again. AMIR: Hm, this is easy. JAKE: Yup. AMIR: Would it be harder or easier if I had legit cat fur on my face though? Jake stops shaving. JAKE: I really don't want you to shave a cat, okay? AMIR: Don't tell me what to do, okay? JAKE: It'd be harder with cat fur. AMIR: I'll just get a sharper razor then. Amir is moving his stomach. AMIR: Look at that. JAKE: Don't be proud of your body, okay? Jake and Amir are shaving again. AMIR: Do they make circular razors? JAKE: No. AMIR: Like one that would like easily mold to the contour of a feline anus? JAKE: I already said no, man. You don't have to specify. Amir continues to shave in silence. AMIR: I'm gonna shave a cat. JAKE: I know. JAKE: Hey, I have a question, how do you get this nipple hair so soft? Jake rips the hair off of one of Amir's nipples and Amir screams. Jake and Amir are shaving together. JAKE: Okay, just like that, slowly, carefully. Amir nicks himself. AMIR: Ooh, nicked myself a little bit. Jake and Amir continue to shave. Amir is holding the towel to his bloody cut. JAKE: Okay, slowly, carefully. AMIR: Mmhmm. JAKE: You alright? Watch me do it. Amir nicks himself again. AMIR: Ooh, okay. Two for two! Amir is holding the towel around his bloody neck. JAKE: Okay, just do me a favor? Keep your razor away from your face, watch how slow I'm going. Just like this. Jake demonstrates how to shave. AMIR: I was going that slowly. JAKE: Just like this. You put pressure on that. Amir is covered in blood. JAKE: Okay, tell me this goat isn't chief, and I'll shave it off right now. AMIR: It's not chief. JAKE: Oh, you don't know jack! Shaving it. Amir is covered in his own blood. AMIR: You know, if you think this is funny... JAKE: I don't. AMIR: Imagine it being cat blood. (Laughs) Imagine wearing a bib with a towel... (Closes eyes faintly) I fainted for a split. END