INTRO AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir-- where were you January 13th, 1999? JAKE: Come on. AMIR: I'm serious! [Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir has headphones on. He gasps and grabs his chest, and then turns his attention to Jake and takes off his headphones.] AMIR: I am absolutely obsessed with the new Serial podcast! JAKE: Yeah, man. I like it a l-- [Amir aggressively shushes Jake. As Amir talks, Jake mouths "Are you kidding me?"] AMIR: I'm like, every time a new episode comes out, I, I'm just like-- [makes excited eating motions, laughs] JAKE: What are you doing? I was willing to have a conversation with you, and you're steamrolling it. You just have an agenda, and you won't interact with me. AMIR: [talking over Jake] I love it so much! I don't know, I can't explain it! I'm on the edge of my seat. I'm not even halfway done with the second episode, and I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I can't get enough! I literally started, like, three weeks ago. JAKE: So you're not obsessed at all! You barely listen to it. You listened to one and a half episodes? AMIR: Less than. JAKE: Less! AMIR: Yeah! JAKE: Less! What? AMIR: But I'm very active in the subreddit. Yeah, I'm in there theorizing, postulating... actually stirring up a good amount of resentment, and... ill will towards you and me both. JAKE: [looking at his laptop] Okay, yeah. Here's your first post: "I'm a key witness. I was in the library with Asia McClain. It was me, not Adnan. My name is Jake Hurwitz, ask me anythang." AMIR: Does posting in the subreddit make me a lawyer? JAKE: Of course not. AMIR: I mean, not necessarily. JAKE: Not at all. AMIR: But, it might make me a law clerk or, at the very least, a paralegal. I'm definitely, definitely at least a detective for it. JAKE: You're a detective? AMIR: I think so. JAKE: You just posted five minutes ago: "MFW Sarah Koenig said the F-word," and... [clicking] ...it's a link to scat porn. AMIR: I'm a gumshoe. I'm a gumshoe of a detective, a rookie cop with a, with a chip on his shoulder! JAKE: You are so much less important than you think you are. AMIR: [quietly] Excuse? JAKE: Stop trying to half-assedly insert yourself into something successful, after the fact. It's lazy. AMIR: Went to visit Adnan yesterday. JAKE: ...No! AMIR: Was ready to offer him a conjugal, but the warden turned me down on Adnan's behalf! JAKE: That makes a lot of sense, man. You offered a conjugal visit to a convicted murderer? AMIR: Oh, spoiler much? JAKE: So you know nothing about the podcast. Have you listened to the one and a half episodes? AMIR: Downloaded! [holding up two fingers, one hooked to represent half] I said I've downloaded one and a half episodes! JAKE: No you didn't! You said you listened! AMIR: I listened to part of one. I got to the MailChimp part, [pronounced "MailKimp", as in the podcast's ad] but I can really see why people are hot on this shit! JAKE: Cool, so you listened to one part of the ad, and you're still very active in the subreddit. AMIR: You don't have to know shit to be angry about shit. You just have to have an opinion, dumbass! JAKE: Your opinion doesn't have to be angry! AMIR: I'll often post without doing very much research at all, just passing off biased viewpoints as fact! Potentially redundant, definitely hurtful, and all caps, all the time, baby! Upvote! JAKE: S-- ...upvote? AMIR: Upvote! JAKE: Upvote what? AMIR: Upvote! JAKE: You want to upvote this? "My name is Amir Hurwitz-Syed, and I am a member of Adnan's mosque. This is a picture of us playing ball back in the day. Even then, Adnan was a goofy killer, on the court. ;)" [Jake reads this as "winky face", and Amir winks as he reads] "Ask Me Almost Everything." And the picture's just a broken image. You wrote: "Edit: This link works," and then that is a picture of your penis Photoshopped onto Adnan's high school yearbook photo. Small dick, by the way. You commented: "Edit: Gotcha! But on the real, no lie, this is legit. This is the image. I had to dig through my mom's old photo albums," and that link is just... [Jake clicks, and Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" plays from his computer. Amir dances to the music.] JAKE: What's wrong with you? AMIR: And that made it to the front page! Wanna know why? JAKE: Because it didn't. AMIR: Exactly right! I'm lying, but it doesn't matter, because I'm loud, so you have to acknowledge me! That's the beauty of the internet! Ask me anythong! [pulls out a thong] JAKE: Ohh...! Why were you wearing that? AMIR: Conjugal, motherfucker! END