INTRO AMIR: [in a mellow, congested-sounding voice] Hey, you're watchin' Jake and Amir! JAKE: Bad job with that. AMIR: [still doing the voice] It's a new voice. [Many people have gathered in a conference room. Amir is among them. He leans over to the guy beside him.] AMIR: These meetings are awful. [The co-worker smiles politely. Amir leans over again.] AMIR: They always suck. COWORKER (HARNOFF): ...I dunno. I-- I like 'em. AMIR: The speakers are always a dumb or a chump. COWORKER: I've had good experiences, and I've had bad... [Amir makes a face and leans away. Then he pounds the table with his pen to get the room's attention, and stands up.] AMIR: Alright. Listen up, everyone: I am your speaker. And despite what this guy thinks, [gestures toward the co-worker he wa talking to previously] I'm pretty damn good. [The co-worker laughs nervously. Amir mocks his laughter.] AMIR: Heheheheh, what're you laughing about, asshole? You just insulted me to my face! CO-WORKER: But, I-- AMIR: But-I, but-I, buh-buh-buh-buh-butt-- You are a butt. You're a butt now. Leave. CO-WORKER: Jesus! I-- I paid five hundred and ninety-five dollars for this seminar. AMIR: Okay, how 'bout this: I'll pay you a thousand dollars to get out. CO-WORKER: ...Okay. AMIR: ...Fuck. Um... [pulls out a checkbook] yeah... is check fine, or... CO-WORKER: Yeah. It's fine. [Amir sighs.] AMIR: Name? CO-WORKER: Siggy... Harnoff. AMIR: This is so fucked... Why, why, why am I doing this. [gives Harnoff the check.] Take this and get out of my face. HARNOFF: Okay. [He leaves.] AMIR: Huh. Obviously not my finest moment, heheh. Does anyone know how to stop payment on a check? CO-WORKER 2 (Gonny): Wh-why did you do that? AMIR: Just shut up, okay? I'll-- I'll give you two thousand dollars to put a sock in it. CO-WORKER 2: Fine. AMIR: Oh my God, dammit! ...Name. CO-WORKER 2: Gonny. AMIR: Well, Gonny, must be your lucky day. [he passes the check to Gonny] Here. Before I put the checkbook away, does anyone else want money? CO-WORKER 3: No, uh... we feel bad for you. AMIR: Focus, group! Heh! No. Okay: what're we here to learn? CO-WORKER 3: Search engine optimization. AMIR: Exactly right. Now: what do I know about SEO? ...nothing. That's right: I'm not an authority on anything; fuck, guys, I'm not even a decent human being. Let's go to the presentation. [Amir narrates the presentation while clicking through the slides.] AMIR: [clicks to a blank screen] Blank slide, [clicks to a blank picture reading TEST IMAGE] test image, [clicks to a blank screen again] blank slide. It should be a surprise to none of you that I don't know how to work a computer. [Amir clicks to a censored picture of his head Photoshopped onto the body of a topless, large-breasted woman. Gonny walks out.] AMIR: So, that took me three years. [Jake walks in.] JAKE: Hey, everybody, sorry to interrupt-- okay, weird picture-- AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: Just ran into a lady who was supposed to give a marketing lecture here. She said she was accosted in the elevator. Yeah, a skinny nerd tried to push her into the wall, failed, then started crying, and offered to cut her a four-thousand-dollar check to keep the whole thing under wraps. AMIR: Huh... JAKE: He said he didn't want everybody to know he was a punk bitch who couldn't even yoke up a forty-five-year-old dame with a heart of cold. AMIR: Guys, listen up: Ten thousand dollars to the person who can find that perp and bring him to me, dead or alive. JAKE: It was you. AMIR: Correctimundo! Ten thousand for the private eye. [begins writing a check] ...Name? END