INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Ami- Ow! You stabbed me! AMIR: In the hand... JAKE: Yeah! (Jake is reading Amir's screenplay) AMIR: So? JAKE: So I read it. AMIR: Took you long enough. JAKE: It's over 400 pages. AMIR: Yeah, most of that is scene direction, though- JAKE: -Which makes it longer. AMIR: Enough talk. What'd you think? JAKE: Sounds like you still want to be talking then. AMIR: What did you think? JAKE: That you shouldn't write screenplays anymore. AMIR: Give me one thing, okay? Give me one thing to hone in on. It's so broad. JAKE: I'm not going to give you one thing. You always want one thing.There are thousands of screenplay rules, right? And I can't imagine one of them that you didn't break. AMIR: Just try to focus all your energy, like a laser, on one thing, yeah. JAKE: Stop saying like you want one thing, like you only could've made one mistake. You made a lot of mistakes. AMIR: Focus it. Focus in on one. JAKE: Okay, the first mistake you could've made: your title is F*ck It: I'm Going Fishing Instead. AMIR: Wow! Congrats, grad! You can read. JAKE: Don't get defensive so early, okay? I mean, I read the whole thing, didn't I? And page 96 to 311 is one long, unbroken run-on sentence about how your main character, Brake Obama - a name I assume you spelled incorrectly- AMIR: -Probably autocorrected... JAKE: I doubt it. About how Brake Obama either needs to show his birth certificate or resign as mayor. AMIR: That impostor is from Hawaii, I guarantee it. JAKE: Okay, that's true. AMIR: Maybe you'll be singing a different tune when you realize who we were thinking of for the male lead. JAKE: Another thing: all of your scene headings say Interior: I don't give a flaming fuck. AMIR: Edward frickin' Nort. JAKE: Norton. AMIR: No, my cousin's lawyer, Edward Nort. JAKE: You know, I don't even think you need an actor because there's only one line of dialogue. It comes on page 299, and I think it's a typo because the main character says, Interior: I don't give a flaming fuck. AMIR: You should've heard Mr. Nort deliver that line. He nailed it in callbacks. JAKE: Okay, how about this: I'll shred the entire thing and as a favor to you, I will never bring it up again. AMIR: So basically, you're jealous 'cause we didn't cast you as the main guy. JAKE: Okay, I'm not jealous, alright? I don't give a shit. AMIR: You're not annoyed we went with Nort over you? JAKE: I would've loved at least an opportunity to make callbacks, to know I was seriously considered. AMIR: You were seriously considered. You were! JAKE: Oh, bullshit! AMIR: Yes! JAKE: You dragged my ass in there as a dog and pony show, alright? You had Nort and I from day one and you put in there to light a fire under Nort's agent's ass. Well guess what? (gets serious) Interior: I don't give a flaming fuck- AMIR: -Bad! JAKE: That was not bad! That was good! Nort's bad. Here we go, southern twang! (in southern accent) Interior- AMIR: -No. JAKE: I don't give a- Don't say No while I'm talking, okay? Let me finish! It's gonna sound bad if you say No while I'm trying to do it. Listen! (in southern accent) Interior: I don't give a flaming fuck. AMIR: No.