INTRO AMIR: Y'all are watchin' Jake and Amir! And we're in Texas! JAKE: Terrible accent. AMIR: Sorry, y'all. CAPTION: Somewhere in Texas... [Jake and Amir are in a diner, eating. Amir slaps Jake's hand multiple times to knock the french fry out of it and to get Jake's attention.] AMIR: You think I can name ten thousand people? JAKE: Why did you do that? AMIR: Easy. Bill Clinton. Bill Nye! ...Um... what's-his-face. The, uh... fucking guy. [Jake watches Amir incredulously.] AMIR: Fucking what's his name? JAKE: I'm not gonna give this one to you. AMIR: He won an Oscar? And a pretty good one! Scorcheh? ...Mike Scorch, or some shit like that. JAKE: Scorsese? AMIR: How many is that? JAKE: You had two, and then you failed to name Martin Scorsese. AMIR: That's it. Scorzizzy. JAKE: Wrong. AMIR: So, uh... [pause] oh! Duh. My fucking dad! ...Your dad! JAKE: What are their names? AMIR: I don't know their names. I said I can say ten thousand people! Say! JAKE: You said "name". AMIR: 'Cause I know their names too! JAKE: Fine. What's your dad's name? [Amir spits a bit of french fry at Jake.] JAKE: Ohh! Come on. AMIR: Merith! JAKE: ...What? AMIR: Mart! JAKE: You can't even say the same fake name twice in a row! How impossibly dumb are you? AMIR: How about you're the scorekeeper! So shut your trap-- JAKE: Really? AMIR: --and say what my score is! JAKE: Okay. Bill Clinton. Bill Nye. I'll give you half a point for Scorsese, and half a point for two dads, one of them being yours, that you couldn't name. AMIR: Oh! The... fucking guy! [laughing] JAKE: [mock laughing] It's still not a revelation. You don't know the name! AMIR: The... chick! She's married to the dude! From the house? From the house? JAKE: From what house? AMIR: The White House! Ever heard of it? JAKE: You-- name the President, then! And the First Lady! Go ahead! Should not be hard. AMIR: That's five. JAKE: How is it five? AMIR: Alright, you know what? New game, Hitler. JAKE: That's a person. You could have named Hitler. AMIR: [fanning out a deck of cards] Name a card, and I guarantee I can find it in two seconds. JAKE: ...Ace of spades. AMIR: [immediately dropping the fan] Shit! Oh, no! Which one? Which one? Say it again! JAKE: Ace of spades-- and time. Okay? Time, I think. AMIR: No, no no no no no no no! Give me two seconds! JAKE: You already asked for two seconds! AMIR: Well congratulations, David Blaine! JAKE: Another person. AMIR: You chose the one card in the deck that's borderline impossible to find! JAKE: [picking up the ace of spades] It's right here! AMIR: Ooh, impressed much? JAKE: That was impressively bad. I mean holy shit, it took you way longer than two seconds, and you never found the card! AMIR: Couldn't have chosen the four of clubs? [holding up a four of clubs] The one that's staring me dead in the eyes as soon as I flip the deck over? Didn't want to make it too easy on ol' Blumes, did ya? JAKE: How was I supposed to know what card you were gonna see first? AMIR: You know I've had a shit life, man. JAKE: Alright, tell you what. I'll pay for lunch. AMIR: Thank you, Mother Teresa. JAKE: You know, you've named more people by accident than you could when you were playing the game. AMIR: [picking up Jake's card] Ace of spades! Found it! [Jake walks over to the counter.] AMIR: Also, I thought of a few new names. [Jake checks his phone. His texts with Ricky show up. It reads:] [RICKY: In Ibiza brb / JAKE: K...? / Ricky sends a picture of the ballot hat from "Relocation" / RICKY: Don't show this to Amir lol] [Jake opens the picture. It reveals that every ballot had "LA" written on it.] AMIR: Um... Ace... Spade? [Jake looks back at Amir. A waitress has approached him and become involved in Amir's game.] AMIR: Diva, roach, ass! It's-- you couldn't have given me the four of clubs, make it a little easy on this guy, you know? [chuckling] I've actually had a pretty shit life. WAITRESS: I'm sorry. AMIR: It's fine. It's not your fault, it's just that... why'd you have to say Jack? Those are the hardest little jokers to find! WAITRESS: I didn't even specify a suit. Shouldn't be that hard. I see two Jacks right there. AMIR: Where? JAKE: [coming back] Hey man. AMIR: Hey man. Sorry, one second. Waitress gave me a tough one, actually! [The waitress sneaks away.] JAKE: Tell you what, man. I'll play again. AMIR: ...Yeah? JAKE: How about... four of clubs? [Amir smiles. He looks down at the pile of cards, and then his smile turns into a look of panic. He paws at the cards.] AMIR: No... No! CAPTION: To Be Continued... END