INTRO AMIR: [singing] On the road again... just can't wait to get on-- JAKE: Alright, stop it-- You're watching Jake and Amir! AMIR: Wow. [Jake and Amir are in New Orleans, on a balcony.] CAPTION: New Orleans, LA JAKE: Alright, man! To New Orleans! AMIR: B'shanah haba'ah b'Yerushalayim: next year in Jerusalem, my friend! [They toast with their shot glasses.] JAKE: Cheers. [They both down their shots.] JAKE: Not bad, right? Tequila. AMIR: I'm blind. [In the cut forward, Amir's dress shirt has disappeared. He's now just wearing a white T-shirt.] AMIR: How long before I feel the high? [singing] And speaking of pipes, I'm high! JAKE: Drunk, is what you're gonna be feeling, and I think you already are, which is really fast. Most people need more than one sh-- AMIR: [singing] Shot through the heart! [laughs] We should do blow coke tonight. I'm serious, dude. [grabbing Jake's hand, interlocking their fingers] I know a guy. [Amir's other shirt is back, draped around his shoulders.] AMIR: [quickly] I want to eat drugs, roll face, rage face, suck face, fuck face, starting-- starting with her! [pointing] Okay. [shouting] Hey baby! You want some beads? JAKE: Alright, you know what? That's an eight-year-old boy. AMIR: That doesn't matter! If there's no grass on the field, play bald! JAKE: Jump. AMIR: Make me! [Jake grabs him] Murder! [Amir now has beads. He's dancing and bumping into Jake.] AMIR: My dad tried to kill me, that's a fuckin' problem! My dad tried to kill me, that's a fuckin' problem! JAKE: Yeah, you know what? That is a really big fucking problem! Okay? And just... stop being so honest. Alright? It's ruining my night. AMIR: Let's play a drinking game! Never have I ever: been happy! [puts his thumb up] [Amir, now with a Bourbon Street T-shirt and different beads, is nearly falling asleep.] JAKE: Wake up. AMIR: [yelling groggily] Aaaaaa. JAKE: Jesus. Just keep drinking the water, alright? Try and sober-- AMIR: Stop yelling, okay? I'm blackout, obviously! AMIR: Never have I ever been to the equator or made anyone in my life smile or proud of me! [Amir has many more beads.] AMIR: Do you think I'm funny? JAKE: Don't touch me-- no. You're not funny. AMIR: I'm serious! I know you laugh at my jokes, [mock laughter] ha ha ha ha ha, but do you ever, like, sit down a day or two later, and think about something I said, and crack up to yourself? That's the type of shit that you do to me. [pause] That's the type of shit you do to me, I want to know if I do it to you! JAKE: Stop it! No, I don't laugh at anything you say when you say it. You think I laugh at something you said later? AMIR: Forget it! [Amir's T-shirt is hanging loose from one of his shoulders.] AMIR: I guess I'm a two-beer queer! Just don't tell my dad. He hates gay people! JAKE: He sounds like a piece of shit. AMIR: Say that again! Say that again, and I will knock you the fuck out! JAKE: You know what, man? The shot that I gave you didn't have any alcohol in it. Okay? AMIR: Talkin' about my dad! JAKE: That wasn't tequila! AMIR: You're clearly too high to have this conversation. [Amir is snorting something off-screen. His shirt is half-off.] JAKE: Don't don't don't-- AMIR: Woo! JAKE: Alright, now we have to go to the hospital, 'cause you just blew a line of salt. AMIR: [pinching his sinuses] Ohh, my sinii! Take me to Mount Sinai! [Amir is missing his glasses and staring directly into the camera.] AMIR: George Bush doesn't care about black people. JAKE: Who are you talking to? AMIR: I'm serious, man! [Amir is still amassing beads.] AMIR: Never have I ever hugged a bitch, been accepted by a bitch, or felt connected to a bitch! [to Jake, with an imaginary microphone] Why do you think that is? JAKE: 'Cause you call them bitches? AMIR: Ooh, wrong answer. Guess again. JAKE: 'Cause you're an asshole. AMIR: Enough. AMIR: Avert your eyes, Cornholio, Daddy needs a new set of beads! [turning away from the camera, flashing his chest to the street below] JAKE: [disgusted] Oh, my God! How do you have such saggy naturals? AMIR: I'm actually down to clown with a lady of the night, if you catch my drift. JAKE: A prostitute? AMIR: A janitor! ...ess! [Amir has his shirt wrapped around his head.] AMIR: [doing an accent] We are being boarded by armed pirates! We are being boarded by armed pirates! JAKE: I think it's time to go to bed. [Amir is doing the shocker and flicking his tongue between his index and middle finger.] JAKE: Alright, do you want alcohol or not? AMIR: I'm good. AMIR: And my dad hates me, he's got a fuckin' problem! And he won't return my call, I got a fuckin' problem... JAKE: Hey-- whoa-- [Amir backs up and falls off the balcony. There's the sound of Amir landing on the hood of a car and setting off its alarm.] AMIR: Never have I ever felt my spine... CAPTION: To Be Continued... END