[Jake is sitting on a couch working on his laptop, when Amir comes in and tries to sit between him and the armrest.*] JAKE: What are you doing? Sit there! Amir! Sit there! We have an entire couch, and I'm not gonna move because I was— [Jake has moved.] AMIR: (giving Jake some papers) Hey can you help a cousin out with his resume? JAKE: Wow, actually, yes, absolutely. Are you looking for another job? AMIR: Something like that. JAKE: Alright, right off the bat, you've used a sample resume I'm guessing, because your name is Will B. Hired. AMIR: You caught that. JAKE: Yes, I did. And your email address is put@emailaddress.here. AMIR: Okay, can we please just focus on what matters? JAKE: Objective, wow. Why don't you read this out loud and tell me if it's what you want to send to a prospective employer. AMIR: Money = pussy. No. AMIR: You want a hurtsdangit? JAKE: What? (Amir punches Jake in the arm.) AMIR: Hurts! (Jake punches back.) AMIR: Dang it! JAKE: Under Experiences you just wrote When something happens to you; that's just defining it. AMIR: Mhm. Did I get it right, though? JAKE: It doesn't matter. AMIR: That's a yes. JAKE: Under Skills you wrote dunking. AMIR: Mhm. A basketball. JAKE: Yeah, no, I know, but you can't do that. AMIR: Yeah, did I specify how tall the hoop was? JAKE: You did, you said 10 feet. AMIR: Okay so delete it. It's not rocket sockets. JAKE: I know but it's still-- AMIR: Just get out of my life! JAKE: Yeah, this, like, all this, where you listed every school, even the ones you went to when you were a baby, that's just un--(glances at Amir) are you asleep? Are you asleep? AMIR: Hnh? Yeah! No. JAKE: Proficient at Microsoft Word, right? You said you can write 500 words a minute? AMIR: Mhm. But, did I specify what kind of words? JAKE: You did; you're always specifying for some reason. You wrote nonsense words, and a winking emoticon. JAKE: Activities, you wrote none, which is honest, but it's probably a bad move. AMIR: Yeah, well, I didn't wanna lie. JAKE: Yeah but then there's a comma and you wrote music. AMIR: Right, well you gotta sweeten the deal a little bit. Right? You gotta tickle the generals. (The sound of Amir cackling is overdubbed) JAKE: Still, I feel like-- AMIR: --a little bit. So, just stop focusing on that one line. I feel like you're harping so much on that one specific. The rest of the resume is gibberish, I got a cyst on my neck that doctors don't even know how to drain yet, bec-- JAKE: Special Skills: playing DVDs. AMIR: Mhm. Just pop in, press play, and enjoy-- JAKE: Enjoy the ride. Yep, you wrote that. You also wrote, If it skips, cry till it's fixed. AMIR: It rhymes. JAKE: It doesn't. AMIR: (showing Jake his cyst.) Feel this. And you're worried about-- JAKE: Oh! God. AMIR: If people can even talk about my music? Who cares about music! JAKE: For Extracurriculars you have My cousin owns a laser tag; that's not really relevant. AMIR: Yes it is, this is his resume. JAKE: So you're not looking for a new job? AMIR: No, I'm not- why would I look for a new job? I got the best coworkers in the world! (He tickles Jake, who resists.)