INTRO: AMIR: Hey you're watching Jake and Amir and it's funnier than Mad About You. JAKE: Mad About You? AMIR: Yeah the TV show. JAKE: No, I know... [Jake is sitting on a couch reading a book (Euripides: Ten Plays). Amir is laying on the couch on his back but with his legs over the back of the couch.] (Amir grabs Jake's book out of his hand and spins around to be sitting normally on the couch while delivering his line.) AMIR: Ah, let's think, I've had about like nine New Year's Resolutions, and kept.. none of 'em? JAKE: [Are] You bragging? AMIR: Well usually I have more and keep.. none of them, so I feel like this is an improvement. JAKE: Well percentage-wise it's still the same. (Amir thinks, then looks puzzled and fans his face with Jake's book.) AMIR: How do you figure? JAKE: This is why I can't talk to you, okay? Ten seconds in, and we've hit a wall. You need a basic un-- (Amir puts his finger to Jake's lips.) JAKE: Don't touch my lips, please-- AMIR: Talk is.. cheap. JAKE: Okay, yeah, you ha-- AMIR: New year, new rule, you can't make fun of me--(he pukes on the floor, making a BLUUUEEAHHH sound)--if, and ONLY if,-- JAKE: No, no-w-what the fuck was that?! AMIR: You don't make fun of me,-- JAKE: No, no, you just puked on the floor. AMIR: (puzzled) Oohhhhkaayy? (Jake looks at Amir, equally puzzled.) AMIR: ...Anyway,-- JAKE: No, not anyway, you have to clean it up. AMIR: (Sarcastic) Clean what up, my PUKE? JAKE: ..Yeah... AMIR: (Slight laugh.) Let's just agree to--(pukes on the floor a second time, making the same noise as before)--to disagree. JAKE: Oh my God, you're so unheal--(Amir sneezes in Jake's face)--OAH! (pause) What the F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU? AMIR: You're overreacting! JAKE: I'm adequately reacting; you just sneezed puke into my face, okay, how do you want me to react? AMIR: God bless you, for one. Okay how many times have I sneezed since you got here, man, you-- JAKE: I don't count. AMIR: THAT'S.. your problem! JAKE: There's puke on your chin. AMIR: ...That's my problem. END.