INTRO BEN: Hey, you're watching Adele Dazeem and Amir, on CollegeHabbaps. JAKE: ...What? AMIR: It's fine! [Jake and Amir approach the front door of an apartment.] AMIR: [sighs] So, I got us an amazing real estate agent, who will find us an amazing apartment! JAKE: Awesome, man. What's his name? [Ben Schwartz shows up, as real estate agent.] BEN: Oh, my name? JAKE: Jesus Christ. BEN: It's funny you ask, 'cause I have a very ordinary name, and you've never met me before, so I can understand why you'd ask, so do you want to hear it? JAKE: You shouldn't have to clarify-- BEN: My name-- here it comes --my name is Cherry Dude! ...Cherry... Dude! JAKE: Nobody announces a name like that. AMIR: [singing] Nobody does it better! BEN: [joining in] ...it better! JAKE: ...I hated that. [Ben sniffs at Jake.] JAKE: I'm gonna go. BEN: [motioning for Jake to wait] I think you'll find that the door is locked. JAKE: I'm outside, so, I'm good. [Ben tries to open the door, but it is locked.] BEN: Aaah. It's the door that I need to open! [Amir laughs. Ben laughs back, then taps Jake in the nuts. Jake recoils in pain.] BEN: Well! I will be back with a key, and a donut! Okay? AMIR: [laughing] I told you he was the best! CAPTION: 3 HOURS LATER [Ben comes running back to the door, holding a donut but no key.] BEN: [singing] Here I come to save the day! [laughs] Look what I brought. [Ben mashes the donut into the doorknob's keyhole.] JAKE: Did you forget the key? BEN: I forgot the key! JAKE: You ruined a donut. BEN: I ruined a donut! [wiping his hands] I'll be back-- with a donut! JAKE: With a key. BEN: With a key. JAKE: Key. BEN: I'll be back with a key. JAKE: Right? BEN: Right. AMIR: And a donut! BEN: And-- JAKE: Just a key! BEN: Oh, just a key this time! JAKE: [to Amir] It confuses him. BEN: It confuses us. CAPTION: 19 HOURS LATER [Ben comes running back again.] BEN: This time I remembered... [holding up another donut] the key! JAKE: It's a donut-- BEN: [mashing the donut into the keyhole] That's a donut. [sighs in frustration] JAKE: God damn you. [Ben blows into the upper keyhole, and gently opens the door.] BEN: [singing] If you want to view paradise... JAKE: What the fuck...? How did you do that? [Ben guides them inside. There are tarps and a ladder by the entrance.] BEN: Now I know you haven't eaten in the past twenty-four hours, but feast your eyes on this! [Ben motions to the terrible-looking apartment.] JAKE: Right, I know that's a joke, but I am very, very hungry. BEN: Then feast your mouth on this! [Ben holds out a muffin, and Amir immediately slaps it out of his hand.] AMIR: We can't live in a muffin, you idiot! BEN: Moving on! JAKE: [to Amir] I would have eaten that. BEN: Now let me give you a little info on the place. [As he speaks, he tries to put his arm around Jake, but Jake keeps fighting him off.] We're currently inside a five-bedroom, six-bathroom colonial townhouse, in Williamsburg, Virginia. JAKE: Alright, can you stop doing that? We're not in a townhouse. BEN: Okay, that's my fault. It's the wrong listing. [flipping through listings] Aaah! Here we are inside a blueberry muffin. AMIR: What? BEN: Is that wrong too? AMIR: Yeah. BEN: Okay, let's back 'er up. Aaah! [puts his arm around Jake's neck, pulls Jake toward him] JAKE: Can-- BEN: We're currently inside a shithole in Crack City, USA. AMIR: Oh, very cool! BEN: Moving on! [laughs suggestively] BEN: Do you guys like bathrooms? AMIR: Uh, yeah! BEN: Ohhhh, damn it. JAKE: Why. BEN: This place has zero bathrooms. AMIR: That's okay. JAKE: How do you shit? BEN: What I do is I take a shot of moisturizer, and I get real wide, get over a toilet and go like this: [chanting] Hakuna matata. Haaaaaakuna matata! Nothing happens. That's just to scare it, to get ready. Cut to seventeen hours later: I'm in my bed, shittin' my balls off. Moving on! BEN: I shouldn't tell you this-- AMIR: Oooooh, do it-- BEN: Okay, fine! Do you want to know who lived here before you guys? JAKE: Sure. BEN: Have you heard of a little band called the Rolling Stones? AMIR: Uh, yeah. BEN: Well, the serial killer who lived here loves the Rolling Stones. Played it while he killed people! JAKE: Wait, a serial killer lived here? BEN: Lives here. Moving on! AMIR: Ooh! JAKE: What? AMIR: Whoa, a raven. BEN: Oh, I forgot to ask you! Oh, no! Do you guys have any pets? JAKE: No, we don't. BEN: Ohh-ho-ho! Good, 'cause this place already has way too many pets. AMIR: Where are they? BEN: They're at work. JAKE/AMIR: Work? BEN: Yeah. Uh, you never seen a rat be a chef before? JAKE: That was in a cartoon. BEN: Yes! But a dog animated it. AMIR: Moving on! BEN: Just like the movie "Willy Wonka", the walls taste like things. AMIR: [licking the wall] This one tastes like glue and paint! BEN: [licking the wall] This one tastes like asbestos! JAKE: How do you know what asbestos tas-- BEN: [yelling, trailing off] The snozzberries taste like snozzberries. AMIR: So how much does this place cost? BEN: Ten-- AMIR: Ooh! BEN: --thousand-- AMIR: Aww. BEN: -dollars-- AMIR: Ooh! BEN: --a week. AMIR: Aww. JAKE: This place is disgusting. BEN: Well, I do have two other listings. AMIR: We don't want to live in a muffin! BEN: I do have one other listing, but it is absolutely terrible. JAKE: Then we're not gonna see it. BEN: But there wouldn't be a Part Two if we didn't see it! AMIR: Let's do it! END