INTRO Amir - Please allow me to introduce myself, my name is Amir Valerie Blumenfeld... Jake - No time for rapping. Amir - Ok. EPISODE Hoodie - 2, 3, 4... Jake - Nothin' makes me laugh more than the geico lizard, I like Gandalf cause he's a tilf... Hoodie - Stop. Jake - ...wizard. Dude, I was about to drop a fucking BOMB, you gotta let me finish! Hoodie - I gave you 2 hours to write man, the best you have is nothing makes me laugh more than the geico lizard? Jake - He's funny ok, he's british, he has this one spot where he's like... Amir - Whoa whoa whoa, what's going on here? Why is Hoodie Allen, my rap teacher, talking to you? Jake - He's preparing me for battle, bitch. Amir - So you want to rap battle me? Jake - I thought you'd never ask. Hoodie - You said you guaranteed he would ask, at some point... Jake - Shut up Hoodie, drop a beat. Hoodie - No. Jake - Fair enough. Anybody else, give me a beat. Amir - (starts beatboxing) Jake - Unh unh yoooo unh Here it is, one time, give it up collegehumor Jake and Hoodie - 3, 2, 1, OHHHHH Jake - shiiitt, naaahhh, here it is homie, unh unh Hoodie - You gotta rap man. Jake - I'm hyping everybody up, oh my god. You were making me so nervous with the countdown, just give me a beat. Amir - (Fine) Jake - ...don't countdown... A beat, box, a beat beat box, look at your socks, what's up doc? it's a geico spot, it's the funniest one yet, he's wearing his sunglasses, he can't stop the laughin'... Rosie - BOOOO. Jake - Shut up Rosie alright, you're next ok and I'm gonna be without ruth to you. Murph - YOU SUCK. Jake - Alright, that's it, I'm going after Murph. My name is Byron Murphy, I wear socks and shoes up on my feet, salad for lunch? I don't think so... Amir - (Starts to walk away) Jake - Alright, that's it, winner by forfeit. Look at me, here we go. Amir - You know your raps sound like a thousand screams from dirty little noobs, and your face looks like a scraggly mess of dirty little pubs, and your face as dumb as aardvark cum, so come on down and GET YOU SOME. (Dumps white liquid onto Jake's face). Everyone - OHHHHHHH. Jake - OH MY GOD. Hoodie - Are you a guy or a girl? I gotta stop guessin', man you don't even pay, for your rap lessons! Murph - YO YOU'RE A PUSSY ASS BITCH WITH A PUSSY ASS DICK. Jake - EH EH, Alright, epic fail, on all accounts, ok? (points at Murph) don't push me, (points at Amir) where did you get aarkvark cum? Fuck it, Hoodie, gimme a beat. I'm tearin' you all down. Hoodie - No. Jake - Fine, fuck it, I'll go acapella. Whooooaaaa for the longest SNATCH... Heh, i'll hold for the applause. Murph - (pulls down Jake's pants) Jake - AH hey hey! Amir - Why are you not wearing underwear? Jake - YOUR DICK IS SMALL. Amir - I didn't say your dick was small. Murph - (starts pushing Jake) Jake - Hey, stop pushing me, dude, i'm not strong, allright? Ahh. Checklist for Episodes