INTRO: JAKE: Hey you're watching Jake and Amir. AMIR: Buy my cordless phone on eBay, y'all. JAKE: What? [Jake and Amir are sitting at their desks.] (Streeter comes over to Amir and leans on his desk.) STREETER: Sup, man? AMIR: Hey. STREETER: Hey, uh, can you check with the illustrator, make sure the artwork's done for the weekend? AMIR: Yeah, definitely. STREETER: Awesome, thanks. (He smacks Amir on the shoulder. Amir flinches in pain.) JAKE: Wow. You're just gonna let him talk to you like that? AMIR: Pshh, no! I don't let anybody talk to me, like any way, ever. JAKE: So you've never talked to anybody? (Amir smiles, as if saying heheh. ya got me.) JAKE: You know what I would do if I were you? AMIR: Develop a secret handshake with me. JAKE: I'd march right into Ricky's office, and make him choose. AMIR: Great idea! (He gets up and starts walking to Ricky's office, smiling largely.) JAKE: I didn't finish. AMIR: Right. (he turns around and continues the conversation, standing up now.) JAKE: You make him choose: you, or Streeter. AMIR: Me. (as though Jake had asked him to choose) JAKE: Him choose. (Amir does the smile) JAKE: Hey, if he even hesitates, if he's like um I don't really know, I guess you, then f*** him! You wanna work under a guy who's not SURE (bangs his fist on the table) who his favorite employee is? No, you don't! You don't deserve that! Do you think you deserve that? AMIR: Yah! I deserve-, everything! JAKE: No, you don't deserve that. AMIR: You're right. I don't deserve anything. JAKE: You deserve some stuff. AMIR: Right. Sure. JAKE: Okay, practice on me. AMIR: Ricky: choose: me or Sweeter JAKE: (correcting Amir) Streeter. AMIR: Streeter. JAKE: Ooh, I dunno, I guess, uh--and then you cut me off, cuz you just f***ing quit! AMIR: (exhales) I'm ready. JAKE: You know what man? F*** Ricky, for even making you ask the question. AMIR: (exasperated) Okay will you just tell me what to do because I don't GET IT anymore! JAKE: (leaning back in his chair) March your ass in there and quit! AMIR: Done! (The video cuts to a black screen with text that says FOUR HOURS LATER.) [Amir is putting things from his desk into a cardboard box. Jake is leaning back in his chair, stretching his arm over his chest.] JAKE: Hey how'd it go? AMIR: Um... poorly. So. JAKE: Ooogh. I'm sorry to hear that man. AMIR: Yeah, I mean, at least I got more money out of it, plus he begged me to stay, so it's not so bad. JAKE: Yeah well I guess I'm really--...What? AMIR: Yeah, he said it would cost more money to like find a replacement, so he just doubled my salary. Sorry I didn't get to quit like you told me. JAKE: Why are you putting your stuff in a box? AMIR: (mockingly, as though it's obvious) Because I have money now, I can just buy new stuff. (Jake looks at Amir, stunned at his stupidity.) AMIR: Jake I'm richer than you. Jake. (quietly) ...k... AMIR: Call me Richard. (he does the smile) END.