INTRO JAKE: Welcome back to— AMIR: No, no, lemme do it, lemme do it. Wait, what’s the line? JAKE: Oh my god. Welcome back to Jake and Amir. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [AMIR types on his laptop fervently. He is laughing loudly, jovially rocking back and forth in his chair.] JAKE: Shhhh. AMIR: Asshole. [AMIR suddenly does a spit take out of nowhere, cackling.] JAKE: Jesus CHRIST, man! You weren’t even drinking! AMIR: Haha, what? JAKE: What are you typing so furiously? AMIR: I do a blog thing as, like, a goof. Sorry, one second. [AMIR leans down and begins to type again.] JAKE: You don’t have to be that frantic— AMIR: Aheh. JAKE: —it’s just a blog thing, you said, right? AMIR: It’s a 4chan thing. Yeah. JAKE: It’s a blog thing or a 4chan thing? AMIR: Wheel of 4chan thing! JAKE: Nice. [AMIR abruptly does a smaller spit take.] JAKE: What are you possibly saying on there? AMIR: I’ve been stream of consciousness style random spit-balling fucking fanfic on there for, like, a minute now and people are gobbling it up. It’s pretty... It’s pretty funny. [AMIR laughs, but it sounds akin to a weak and broken motor.] JAKE: Bad laugh... random fanfic? [AMIR does another spit take.] JAKE: Ew. AMIR: Yeah, like, for example I’ll post shit about others, this pizza place that has Satan worshippers or cannibalistic pedophiles that operate a global sex trafficking ring [slowly running out of breath and becoming more unintelligible] that are working together to take down farmer— JAKE: Take a breath! Learn how to laugh, you’re losing a lot of fluid! [AMIR does another spit take.] JAKE: Bud. AMIR: I’m excited to be noticed and followed by all that follow me. JAKE: You’re basically out there posting QAnon theories. AMIR: Yeah, that is what they call me. How do you spell ‘cabal’? Like, ‘global cabal’? JAKE: Wait a second. You’re... Q? AMIR: Thank you. You’re Q too. Aheheh. JAKE: No, I mean like you started QAnon. AMIR: I like to think of it as a people led movement, like, yeah, I started posting the zany tales in 2016, but a bunch of alt-right YouTubers kinda just... ran with it. JAKE: Why. AMIR: Because I guess disenfranchised Americans need a reason slash scapegoat to blame somebody for where they are in life [beginning to run out of breath again] in an interesting and exciting place to be on the ground floor of some theories that make ‘em feel like they’re part of a commun— JAKE: Breathe in the middle of your sentences! In the middle of your sentences! Not at the beginning and at the end. Unclench the fists. You’re getting way too worked up. Relax your fucking neck. Okay, I shouldn’t have to tell you how to hold your body. And that’s why it worked, okay? I’m asking you why you did it. AMIR: Oh, I don’t know. I was just sort of, like, bored or dehydrated. JAKE: Probably dehydrated. Everytime you giggle, you throw up water. [AMIR spit takes again, proving JAKE’s point.] AMIR: What’s the word for, like, international spy thing? Like a ring or a rink? JAKE: If you don’t know the difference, then you shouldn’t be the guy instigating a global crisis. AMIR: It’s a fun little bit and it’s kinda easy. How do you spell ‘Beezlebub’, like, the devil is in Congress? JAKE: There’s spellcheck, okay, don’t ask for my help in how to lead a group of alt-right insurrectionists. AMIR: You wanna know the most fucked up part? JAKE: Not really, man. I don’t get how it gets more fucked up than starting a coup. [AMIR throws up water and what seems to be bile.] JAKE: Ew! AMIR: Heheh. This shit is easy to me! JAKE: Where do you come up with this shit? AMIR: You just take a frickin’ restaurant like a sushi spot and combine it with something fancy, like artificially intelligent Jewish robots that are programmed to take over. JAKE: It’s obviously untrue. AMIR: It doesn’t matter what’s true, it matters what people accidentally want to hear. Like, you know ‘true or false’? This is ‘Q or false’, and guess what? JAKE: You’re Q. AMIR: I’m fal— yeah, I’m Q. Exactly right. JAKE: Why Q by the way? AMIR: I wanted to go with Quincy but I ran out of time. JAKE: Loser. AMIR: [gasps offendedly] Augh! THE END