INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. AMIR: Did you miss me? JAKE: No. AMIR: Fine. Jeez. Heh, ouch. [Amir is at his desk in the LA office, with his head buried in his hands. Jake enters, and Amir lets out a loud, accusatory yelp.] AMIR: Where the fuck have you been? JAKE: What are you talking about? AMIR: What am I talking about? You weren't here last week! ...So I assumed you'd be gone forever! JAKE: Why on Earth would you assume that? Didn't I make a pretty big deal out of staying here? AMIR: I guess not clear enough! JAKE: Holy shit, dude. I take one week off... one week off in the last eight years, and you're putting me on blast for that. AMIR: Forget it, okay? What... what printer are you connected to? JAKE: Printer? AMIR: [leaning over Jake's computer and pointing, screaming] Printer! What printer are you connected to? JAKE: Easy-- ...does it with the Air. Okay? It's a delicate device. AMIR: Don't tell me...! [trails off into high-pitched, incredulous laughter] JAKE: Is that a sentence, that you-- AMIR: Don't tell me you're not connected to a printer! JAKE: ...I'm not connected to a printer-- AMIR: [immediately picking up the phone] Hi. IT? Yeah, this is Jake Amir Blumenfeldwitz from the fifth floor? [lifting an old printer onto his desk] I have a brand new, heavily used 1982 Inkjet printer! JAKE: How is that brand new? AMIR: Brand new ink! [on the phone] Sorry. [to Jake again] Brand new ink! Okay? Yeah, the cyan was replaced last week, but the yellow and magenta are butt-old! JAKE: So then the ink's not brand new either. AMIR: [on the phone] That's right, I desire to connect. So why don't you come upstairs and hook a printa up! JAKE: You know, there's a lot of mouse droppings in there. AMIR: That's right! JAKE: What do you even need to print? AMIR: Travel much? JAKE: What? AMIR: Boarding passes... asses! Or do you check in curbside! JAKE: When is the last time you flew? [The IT guy shows up.] IT GUY: Hey, if you want to print, just select the default printer from the server here. AMIR: Oh, okay, yeah, connect to your server? So you can jack my shit, jack my boarding passes? JAKE: Come on. AMIR: [chuckling] Soon you'll be... spending cross-cuntinental trips on my dime? Wh-wha-what, Christmas in Maui? Easter in Hanoi? Arbor Day in the Thimble Islands, all care of Dr. and Mrs. Blumenfeld! JAKE: How is that your dime, then? AMIR: [to the IT guy] Let me ask you a question, good sir, now that you're here... [He hits a key, and an Arnold Schwarzenegger soundbite plays.] ARNOLD: Who is your daddy, and what does he do? IT GUY: This is a company computer. We already have all your information. [Amir hits a key.] ARNOLD: You want to fuck with me? IT GUY: Okay, fine. I'll connect the printer. JAKE: Hey, watch out, dude. There's a mouse in there. [The IT guy jumps back, but the mouse jumps onto him.] AMIR: No! IT GUY: Oh, he got me! JAKE: Oh, no! AMIR: [emulating Arnold Schwarzenegger's accent] Oh, it's not a tumor! END