Jake: You're watching a pretty cool episode of Jake and Amir. Amir: Pretty cool? Jake: Yeah, you wouldn't know. Amir: Whoa, ponytail. Jake: Whoa, pipe down, when you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Amir: What is it then? Jake: A shirt? Amir: No, your hair. Jake: This? Amir: Yeah. Jake: It's a half pony. Amir: So that's a type of ponytail. Jake: That's a type. It's a type, it's not \"a.\" It's not \"the,\" official. It's pony light. Amir: Okay. Jake: Okay. Amir: Okay. Jake: Okay. All right. Amir: Are you cold? Like, you're hyperventilating, man. Why are you wearing your hair up like that if you're clearly so self-conscious about it? Jake: A ponytail for this pale, frail male makes the ladies scream, \"I went to Yale!\" Amir: Why? Jake: I spooned a bug at a Zoom bris. Amir: Impossible. Jake: It was possible. Amir: No way. Jake: Yes way. Yahweh. Amir: You spooned a bug. Jake: A ladybug or a beetle. Let me ask you a question. If Chris Hemsworth walked in with a ponytail, Amir: So it is a ponytail. Jake: Let me finish. Let me finish. If Chris Hemsworth walked in, ponied up— You know what? Do you one better: Liam Hemsworth. Actually, let's one up that. Luke Hemsworth walks in ponied up. Would you put his Aussie ass down? Amir: Uh… no. Jake: So why are you razzing me? Amir: I'm not razzing you, I said, \"Whoa, ponytail.\" Jake: Meaning? Amir: Meaning you don't usually have your hair styled like that. Jake: And? Amir: And I was remarking upon it. Jake: Meaning? Amir: I already said what it was meaning. It was meaning you don't usually have your hair like that. Jake: And? Amir: Not and, and was also answered. Jake: In a bad way? Amir: In a fine way, you can stop the accent. Jake: I'll cut it off right now. Amir: Do not do that. You don't have to do that. Jake: Cigar Aficionado Magazine says, \"Confident men can rock any hair type they want post-pandemic, long or short, as long as you have a Cohiba Robusto in your left hand,\" or was Orlando Bloom at the 2004 Win a Date with Tad Hamilton premiere not styling? Amir: Do you feel confident? Jake: I'm getting there. But I can't stand this, this, this, this, this, incessant ribbing. It doens't end with you! Amir: I said \"Woah, ponytail\" two minutes ago, and now you're fucking holding scissors up to your head? Jake: Oh fuck it! Amir: No way! I saw you, feet away from your hair. Jake: I can't do it! Amir: No, you can't. Jake: I can't do it, I don't have the huevos. I don't have the gall, man, to cut it or grow it. Amir: Right. Jake: I don't have the chutzpah to shorten or lengthen the pony. Amir: Exactly. Jake: My moxie fails at the idea of change. Amir: What do you think that means? My moxie, it fails at the idea of change at all. Jake: Well, Cigar Aficionado would say that my confidence— Amir: Don't worry about that fucking magazine. Jake: My confidence is at an all-time low. I have no robusto. Amir: Exactly. Jake: I have no Cubano. Amir: No. Jake: No tabaccy. Amir: Exactly. Jake: I don't see a cigar in my left or my right. Amir: You don't have anything it takes to pull off a ponytail. Are you feeling good now? Jake: I'm feeling confident, yeah.