INTRO AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, unless you're my parents in which case, you're NEVER watching it. JAKE: Wow. AMIR: Yeah JAKE: Okay, guys, Texas Hold 'Em is the name of the game. You know the rules, there are two blinds- STREETER: Amir is standing right behind you. JAKE: Buddy, I told you you could go home. It's a half day, you do NOT need to be here. AMIR: I like that you called me a buddy. JAKE: I cannot believe you write that down. AMIR: What are we playing? JAKE: You're leaving. AMIR: Nooo, you can't physically force me to leave, so let's figure something out. JAKE: I probably COULD physically force you to leave. AMIR: Ahh, please don't! JAKE: Okay, look, you could stay, under two conditions. AMIR: Fine. JAKE: Let me say what the conditions are and you might be so insulted, that you decide to leave. AMIR: Doubtful. JAKE: You can't talk. AMIR: Fine. JAKE: No speaking... AMIR: Good. JAKE: ...laughing, doing anything to disrupt us, and you're not allowed to uh, play. AMIR: (mocking) Oh no, I can't play. (Normal) Ah ha ha, yeah, I just wanna be here next to you. That's fine. STELLA: So sad. GUY: Jake, can we just play? JAKE: Yeah, sorry, AMIR: Wait, before you guys start... JAKE: So you're talking right off the bat. AMIR: It's a question. I wanna ask a question. JAKE: Did you talk it? Because I said no talking. AMIR: You mean did you speak it. You can't talk it, you don't say did can talk it, you moron. JAKE: You're a moron. AMIR: Does anyone want sandwiches? There. That's my question. God forbid I ask it! GUY: I'll take a sandwich. STELLA: Yeah. STREETER: Sure, I'll take one. AMIR: Oh what a surprise, Streeter wants a sandwich. Oh wait, that's not a surprise. The way he's bigger than anyone else is that he eats sandwiches more frequently than the average person. S: Come on! AMIR: Ten dollars, everybody give me ten dollars. JAKE: So you're not buying them. AMIR: I'm BUYING them. I just don't want to PAY FOR THEM, you grammar Nazi. Who here thinks I'm right? (Stella raises her hand) JAKE: Why? AMIR: I like word play. I've always been the kind of girl who's been like Hmmm, I don't know, CAN you go to the bathroom? Heh. AMIR: I like this one. Her skin's a little greasy and her eyebrows are WAY too thick, but she's fun, and I think she likes me, too. JAKE: Okay, you were just narrating that entire thing. AMIR: It was then that I realized I was narrating along the entire time. Did the grease princess hear what I had to say about her eyebrows. We may never know? STELLA: Yeah, I did. AMIR: My mind was racing. JAKE: Okay, let's just play. Uh, Stella, you're small blinds. Streeter, you're big. AMIR: Yes, he is very big. JAKE: You know what dude, that's enough, you can go home. Cuz I said no talking, and if anything, you're talking more than you usually do. You seem incapable of even having an internal monologue. AMIR: Okay, give me one more chance! Give me one more chance! If I make one joke that makes everybody here crack the fuck up, then I get to stay and play. JAKE: Why would I agree to that? AMIR: Because if I don't, if my joke falls flat, then I will leave you alone for the rest of your life. JAKE: (Beat) Wow. Sure, yeah. I'll take that. Go ahead. AMIR: (singing) When there's something gay in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? Nutbusters! (Everyone except Jake laughs) STREETER: (While laughing) You're the king! JAKE: My milkshake brings all the gays to the yard, and they're like I'm gayer than y'all, ye- (No one is laughing) STELLA: Horrible. STREETER: I have a gay cousin. JAKE: I'm sorry!