Jake: Hey you're watching Jake and Amir. Amir: Please rate and subscribe! Jake: Wow. Amir: I'm serious. Jake: Desperate. Amir: Thanks for agreeing to teach me to edit this podcast episode, I think the recording went really well. Jake: Yeah, you called me in a frantic huff and said if I didn't meet you at the office, you would burn it down. Amir: I have Garage Band but I'm wondering if I should get a more proprietary software? Jake: You said you recorded something that belongs in the Smithsonian, not the Apple store, which I guess wouldn't make it a podcast, right? Amir: Should I keep the "um"s and "uh"s, or sort of keep it more natural? Jake: Beethoven meets Joe Rogan, you said. Okay, so this is your theme song. And it's 45 minutes long. Amir: It's mostly screaming, okay? I just wanna make sure that the audio doesn't peak. Jake: It's going to peak, all right? No one's gonna listen to this anyway. Amir: Because there's so many podcasts and like how can you tell which ones to listen to? Jake: 'Cause you're demented. You're demented and you have no friends. You're awful. Amir: True. Jake: You suck. Amir: True. Jake: You're a bad, bad man. Amir: True. Do people still ask for ratings and reviews or does that like not really matter anymore? In your bland opinion. Jake: Can you not insult me while you're asking for my help? Amir: Do not speak to me like that or I will burn you. Jake: Hey, hey, what are you an arsonist now? Looks like you recorded for 12 hours and your guests spoke for about three minutes. Amir: Yeah, I did a lot of the heavy lifting. Jake: You dominated the conversation. Amir: It was cordial. Jake: This is cordial? Amir (Recording): Bring that up again and I will set fire to your familial estate. I'm serious, silence yourself. Bup, bup, bup—No, not another word if you don't want to wander through the ashes of your land wondering where you went wrong. Do not talk to me like that. Do not even talk to me. You do not speak to me. Amir: All right, that was an ad. Jake: For what? Amir: I'm wondering if you hear like an echo or a hiss? Jake: Yeah, I hear both. Like what is happening here? Amir: I think I was taking a leak. Jake: Great. And when you do talk it sounds like I'm trying to decipher covertly recorded wartime broadcast from the second great war. Listen here: Amir (Recording): Bravo company has been hit. Decimated. There's no— Amir: That was an ad. Jake: For what!? Amir: Squarespace! So then I just hit export, mp3, like what's "kbps"? Jake: Don't worry about that. Amir: Because I'm talent and I shouldn't debase myself by learning producer shit? Jake: Because your podcast is unlistenable. Amir: Oh! Jake: In terms of both quality and content. This thing is useless. Your podcast isn't anything and you should be institutionalized or jailed. Amir: Do you do cover art? Jake: I do not. Amir: How do you go get ads or do you have to grow the audience first? Jake: How do you just ask a normal question? Amir: Meaning? Jake: Right, meaning unclench your whole body, and ask? Amir: How do you get abs? Jake: Just focus on growing the audience. Okay, then you can get ads after— Amir: Abs! Not ads, pussy. I want a fucking six-pack! Jake: Why don't you focus on one goal at a time? You obviously can't attain either of these things. Amir: Alright here we go. Jake: No, knock it off. Amir: I have to teach you a fire-based lesson. Jake: Hey, ooh, ooh, getting hot. It's actually burning my finger. Amir: I'd love to get you on the show too, like as a guest or something. I feel like we have a pretty sick rapport that plays well over audio. Jake: Dude, you roasted me. Amir: Yeah, my comedy skews towards insults to be sure, but the audience appreciates it. Jake: No, like you set me alight. I was ablaze. I had to stop, drop, and roll. Amir: That's true, that's true. Jake: I can't believe I'm still sitting here. Amir: That's actually a pretty good podcast title. Jake: Really? Amir: "I Can't Believe I'm Still Sitting Here." Jake: Then it's mine. Amir: What? Jake: I thought of it. Amir (Recording): Bravo Company's been hit. Decimated. There's only one left. Jake (Recording): They're coming through the trees. They've reached the bunker. Amir (Recording): Oh no, we're getting— Jake (Recording): —significant casualties. They've reached the boat. Amir: I really think this archival audio— Jake: They keep on yelling "significant casualties."