INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir! AMIR: Unless... JAKE: They are. AMIR: Okay. [Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir is holding a paper plate in front of his face. It has a smiling face drawn on it. Jake doesn't say anything. Cut back to Amir, whose plate-face is now angry. Jake still doesn't say anything. Amir's plate no longer has a face, instead reading "ASS". He throws the plate down, clearly frustrated.] AMIR: [mouthing] Ass. [Jake gestures in acknowledgement.] AMIR: Question: do you think Peyton Manning gets paid to do these Papa John's commercials, or does he just, like, love pizza and shit? [Jake doesn't respond.] AMIR: And no answer from the peanut gallery! [saluting] Salut! So I will just assume-- JAKE: He gets paid. AMIR: I know. Never mind. JAKE: Okay. For the record, I did answer the question, unequivocally. AMIR: I know he gets paid, ass. It just seems real or some shit, like he frickin' loves the pizza. JAKE: So you think he did the ad... just because he loves pizza? Not because Papa John's paid him money? AMIR: Forget it. JAKE: Forget it 'cause you're dumb? AMIR: [yelling] Forget it because you don't know what the fuck you're talking about... ass! JAKE: Stop saying "ass" so much. Okay? You're using it as a crutch, and it's not as funny as you think it is. Just... go back to being the needy weirdo that you used to be. Alright? AMIR: In the ads, ass, Peyton Manning is borderline obsessed with these-- these-- these pizza pies! I mean, it-- it's insane, it's sick! He's, like, chowing down on them! JAKE: Are you concerned? AMIR: He's gonna, like, choke, he's eating them so fast! I swear to God! JAKE: Alright, so Derek Jeter rides around in a Ford Escape. Do you think Derek Jeter loves Ford? AMIR: [yelling] That's what I'm asking you! JAKE: Focus on something different, for the day. AMIR: Fine. [pause] Eli Manning for sure loves Dunkin' Donuts, okay? JAKE: Stop it-- AMIR: That much at least is true! JAKE: --just-- stop! What did I just tell you-- AMIR: Yes yes yes! For sure, for sure, for sure! Whether he got paid for that ad in-- in donuts or money-- JAKE: Money! Absolutely, he got cash for that! AMIR: [pointing at Jake] Want to know how I know he loves donuts? Do you want to know how I know he loves donuts? JAKE: I resent you pointing at me. AMIR: Do you want to know how I know he loves donuts? JAKE: You couldn't possibly know. AMIR: [smiling, pointing at his face, talking in a singsong tone] The proof is in the smile! ...Dipshit! JAKE: ...What? AMIR: [in falsetto] Because he's smiling in the ad! Yeah! And people only smile when they're happy. Unless... did I miss a memo? That-- [stammering] that-- that frowns means happy? JAKE: Peyton's smiling in his ad too! AMIR: Which means he loves pizza from Papa John's! Mystery solved! That wasn't too hard... JAKE: Don't say it. AMIR: [drawn out] ...ass! JAKE: The mystery is not solved. Alright? You think Peyton Manning's maybe smiling 'cause he got paid, like, a billion dollars for that ad? AMIR: Whoa, a billion! JAKE: --million-- AMIR: Can I quote you on that? No no no, I should email Business Insider, because hey-- that's breaking news! That's, like, the biggest athlete endorsement ever! JAKE: Just shut up. AMIR: Hey everyone, gather 'round! Big news! Jake thinks that Peyton Manning got paid a billion dollars to be in an advertisement for Papa John! [Amir spits the word "Papa" violently.] JAKE: ...Who? AMIR: [pantomiming holding a gun, imitating gunfire] Pa-pa-pa-John! JAKE: ...What? AMIR: Pa-pa-John! JAKE: What is this? AMIR: Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa John. [Will chimes in.] WILL: Idiot. JAKE: Excuse me? WILL: Idiot! JAKE: Will, you eat your own shit. Yeah. [Will shakes his head.] D-- what? What? What is that face? You eat your own shit. I think that's the idiot move. Also, he thought Peyton did the commercials for free. WILL: Peyton Manning owns twenty-one Papa John's restaurants, so he probably did do the commercials for free! JAKE: ...Forget it. AMIR: Forget it because you're dumb? JAKE: Forget it 'cause you don't know what the fuck you're talking about... ass! AMIR: You're the ass, ass! JAKE: You're the ass, ass! AMIR: Ass! JAKE: Ass! AMIR: Ass! JAKE: Ass! [They pause.] JAKE/AMIR: [simultaneously] Ass! END