INTRO JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir! AMIR: ...Gimme a hug-- JAKE: Get off of me. AMIR: Oh my God. JAKE: You're wet. [Paul is in his office, playing Tiny Wings.] PAUL: Yes, yes, yes-- [He loses.] PAUL: D'ohhh... dammit! [Will enters and closes the door.] WILL: Uh, sir? Is this a bad time? PAUL: Well it is now! You just made me lose my Tiny Wings! WILL: Oh-- you said "dammit" before I entered. PAUL: I saw you entering and it broke my concentration. [Will nods solemnly.] PAUL: What is it. WILL: Well... [laughs] your lunch. [Will holds up a paper bag with "POL" written on it] PAUL: BLT? WILL: That's right! Bacon, lettuce, and tangerine. PAUL: On raw, uncooked whole wheat dough? WILL: Yes, sir! PAUL: Perfect. Give it here, give it here, give it here! [Paul grabs the bag.] PAUL: Ahhh, yes! Excellent, excellent! [kisses the bag] Oh, and Will? [Will, about to leave, turns back around.] WILL: Hm? PAUL: Look, I know it's not your place... WILL: Of course not. PAUL: ...Will you help me pick a password for my email? [Will scoffs, overwhelmed.] WILL: I'd be honored! PAUL: Excellent. Okay... start brainstorming. No bad ideas. WILL: Banana13. PAUL: Leave. WILL: No... no no no no no, please... please, uh, uhhh, uh-- Blue-comma-Yankee-twenty-seven. ["blue,yankee27" or maybe "bluecommayankee27"] PAUL: Will, get out! WILL: Karate, karate! PAUL: This experiment is more than over. [A long silence ensues. Will goes to leave, but then turns around.] WILL: 12997345-- PAUL: Enough. Enough, enough! Stop talking, stop talking! WILL: --write it down; this is gold. 3345HHH-- WILL: I can't! I can't, I can't! [Elsewhere, Jake and Amir hear Paul yelling at Will (see Jake and Amir: 4th of July Scroll)[1] . Amir looks up from his scroll, and he and Jake look around for the source of the commotion.] PAUL: [sigh] Alright. Alright. Have a seat. [Will sits cross-legged on the floor beside the chair.] PAUL: I can't tell you how many assistants I've lost to this password juncture. You're the only one with the capacity for such tenacity and audacity. But more than anything, I admire your veracity. WILL: [chuckles] I think we just found our password! [Will gets up and types "Veracity" into the password box.] PAUL: No. [laughs] did you think it would be that easy? WILL: [slyly] ...Of course not. [Will hits another key. The password now reads "Veracity8".] PAUL: Will... how can I put this so your monkey brain can understand it? I need a password that you're gonna forget when you walk out of this office! WILL: Sir? PAUL: Well-- say I use Veracity8, and then I write a scathing email to my wife about what a baboon my assistant is. Do you think I want you to be able to read that? Do you think I want you to know how big of a chimp you are? [Will is standing at attention, trying to keep from emoting.] PAUL: No wonder you chose Banana13! It's your favorite food and your IQ! WILL: ...I deserved that. PAUL: Come up with something that you'll forget. WILL: Corn1228738... B4G. PAUL: ...Well, I can't remember that, you big ape. WILL: Okay, how about a loved one's birthday? Right? That way you'll remember it, and I won't. PAUL: ...Actually, that's perfect! WILL: You're perfect. [Paul does a double-take at Will, then turns his attention to his screen. He types "A Loved One's Birthday" into the box.] PAUL: Finally. Now I can eat my lunch in peace. [He takes out his sandwich. Before he takes a bite, he stops to inspect one of the tangerine slices.] PAUL: ...Is this a clementine? [Will, frightened, begins making ape noises.] PAUL: Is this a fucking clementine? [Will makes more ape noises in fear as Paul begins force-feeding him the sandwich.] END