INTRO AMIR: Hi, you're watching art. JAKE: Jake and Amir. AMIR: In action. Movement. Comedy. [Jake is sitting on the couch. After a few seconds, he seems to notice the viewer, curiously narrowing his eyes directly at the camera. Amir comes in and sits beside Jake, distracting him.] AMIR: Hey bub. Mind if I pitch you some painting ideas? JAKE: What? AMIR: I'll take that as a no... JAKE: Great. AMIR: ...but I don't take no for an answer! Scoot over! JAKE: You're already sitting. AMIR: You're taking up the whole couch! AMIR: Alright, have you ever seen a painting of just, like, a fucking field? Not even of people. Just a landscape. JAKE: Yes. Of course. AMIR: [taken aback] Ow, that hurts... JAKE: You thought you were the first person ever to come up with the idea of painting nature? AMIR: Never mind, I said. JAKE: When did you say "never mind"? You just said it for the first time now. AMIR: [nodding] Yeah. AMIR: What's the gayest part of painting? JAKE: Nothing. AMIR: [waving his hand] That you do it with a brush. JAKE: Homophobic. Dumb. AMIR: Which is why I'm using this. [holds up a palette with paint] JAKE: You have paint. What would you use to get it on the canvas? AMIR: ...Oh, no! AMIR: See if you can wrap your fat little Jew cock around this idea: It's a portrait painting of a woman. [pauses] ...Hmm? Thoughts? JAKE: ...Sure. AMIR: Has it been done? AMIR: Alright, what if I forgo the canvas, and just straight up paint on a building? JAKE: Yeah, that's street art. That's pretty fun. Sure. AMIR: That's not fun, if it's been done! JAKE: That's an awful slogan, and a bad way to live your life. It insinuates that nobody but you can have a good idea. AMIR: Exactly right. JAKE: Yet all of your ideas so far have been unoriginal. AMIR: Forget it, I said! JAKE: No you didn't! You never said what you said you said. I don't think I've ever seen you say what you said you said. AMIR: You know, what the big issue is is that I was born too late, so all the good shit's already been done. JAKE: How dare you? You have every modern convenience. I mean, this is probably the only era that you could survive in-- AMIR: I would have killed it in Egypt, as a slave. Did you know, actually, here's a-- ...I came up with the pyramids. AMIR: What about a dude? JAKE: Is your goal to paint something totally original? AMIR: Mm-hmm. JAKE: That's never been painted before? AMIR: That's right. JAKE: And your first three ideas were a dude-- AMIR: [simultaneously] Dude. JAKE: --a girl-- AMIR: [simultaneously] A girl. JAKE: --and a landscape. AMIR: Nature, yeah. Nature landscape. JAKE: Bad. You're bad. AMIR: [singing] There will be the sun, let it be...! JAKE: Great. So to recap, you think you think you came up with the pyramids... AMIR: Yes. JAKE: ...and "Let It Be"... AMIR: [simultaneously] "Let It Be". Correct. JAKE: ...before-- independently of those things-- AMIR: [simultaneously] Of the Beatles. Yeah, exactly. JAKE: Got it. Okay, anything else? By the way, you did not hum "Let It Be" right-- AMIR: Cold cuts. JAKE: Alright... AMIR: Head of a frog, body of a deer... he's golfing by himself, under the ocean, the floor is fire. Have you seen that? JAKE: I guess not. No. AMIR: Perfect! JAKE: Can you paint it? AMIR: No, not without an easel. JAKE: Get out of here. Please. Go. AMIR: [getting up and walking away] Jesus. JAKE: Through the window, if you don't mind. AMIR: [walking back the other way] Are you kidding me? JAKE: I'm not kidding! END [An extended take.] AMIR: Cold cuts, was me. Sliced turkey, sliced, uh... stuff like that. Have you had a sandwich today? JAKE: Sliced turkey-- you couldn't come up with another meat? [Jake and Amir both crack up.] JAKE: But you invented cold cuts? AMIR: I don't remember everything I did.