Opening Sequence Jake: You're watching Jake and Amir. Amir: I'm so mad I can punch you right now. Jake: Don't. Ow! Episode (Amir repeatedly waves at Jake) Jake: I already acknowledged you. Amir: Evenin'. Jake: Morning. Amir: Bad to see you. Jake: You too. Amir: No, shut up. Er... Keep talking. Jake: What are you doing? Amir: Today is not Opposite Day. Or it's not not... Jake: Oh my god. Are you kidding me? Are you serious right now? You're an adult! You're a grown-up and a you're doing this. Amir: Thank you! Er, you're wel—sor—you're welc—no—sorry! Jake: This is some really elementary school level shit, buddy. Amir: Yeah that means it's high school level shit, not buddy. Jake: Still be pretty immature then, right? Since you're almost 30? Amir: I don't not appreciate, or the opposite of appreciate that so— Jake: Your nose is bleeding. Amir: Oh, dammit. Er, fine, good. Frig it! I'm overthinking it! Jake: Okay, well you know what, if thinking of opposites makes your nose bleed, I'd advise you not to partake in Opposite Day. Amir: No! Er, yes! Jake: Or at least go back to school. Try to make yourself smart. Amir: Okay, you know what? For the rest of the day, I'm not going to ignore you. Jake: Fine. I'm just gonna leave you with one final thought: I have a vagina, you have a penis. Amir: No, today we are both having a vagina. Jake: Nah, sorry man. Today, I have a tiny little vagina, and you have a big ol' penis. Amir: I have a pussy! I have a tight little pussy! (Jake films Amir) And, I'm a nerd! And, we're not friends! Jake: Great, I got that all on camera. Amir: Delete that video you fucking dickwad. Jake: So it's not Opposite Day anymore. Amir: Opposite Day just took a big old timeout when I became concerned about what you're gonna be doing with that footage of me saying some pretty compromising shit! Namely, that I have a pussy, that I'm a nerd, and that we aren't friends! Jake: That was everything you said. Amir: No. Yes. What? Jake: Right. So definitely I am posting that video online. That's why I took it. Amir: At least say that it's Opposite Day— Jake: No. Amir: —in the caption! Jake: No! Amir: Good. Fine. Everybody please listen up. Despite what video on the internet you may or may not have seen yet, I am not a nerd and I do have a pussy. Jake: Wow. Amir: Don't have a pussy. Keep taping. Keep taping! I don't have a pussy! Jake: I'm not taping anything. Amir: You know what, here. Here it is. (Stands on the desk and pulls down his shorts) My glorious hog in all of its glory. That's right. Does this look like a tight small pussy to you? I don't frikking think so! (Paul comes in) Paul: Amir! Amir Amir Amir. What are you doing?! This is work! You're fired. Amir: Yeah, well, the joke's on you, sir, because today is Opposite Day, so you just told me I'm hired. Paul: Dammit he's right! Carry on gentleman. Jake: Are you kidding me?!