INTRO AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and if y'all want to follow me on Instagram-- JAKE: Out of time. AMIR: Damn it! [Jake is sitting on the couch. Amir comes in holding an iPad which has part of a broken display stand connected to it by a cable.] AMIR: How would you like to accompany me on an online shopping spree? JAKE: Looks like you already went on an offline stealing spree. You clearly stole this from the Apple store. AMIR: I paid for it with my privacy. You know Apple owns your shit, right? AMIR: I think I'll order a V-neck and a plaid, 'cause I'm from Teaneck, and hi, I'm Brad! [extends his hand for a handshake] JAKE: Alright. Brad. AMIR: Call me Brad! JAKE: I am calling you Brad. If you're ordering clothes just 'cause it rhymes, that's a bad idea. AMIR: Yeah, well airplanes were a bad idea too, but business is booming, so I'll take my chaunces. JAKE: Airplanes were a good idea. And business isn't booming. [Amir begins shushing Jake.] JAKE: You're never right. You're never right about-- AMIR: Oh, I should buy sunglasses. JAKE: You already have sunglasses. AMIR: No, I don't think so. JAKE: I think you do. Remember, you're really fast at putting them on? [Amir pulls out a pair of sunglasses and puts them on impossibly quickly.] JAKE: God, that was quick. It was so fast. AMIR: Oh! JAKE: "Oh" is right, man. Your shopping cart is getting really expensive. You're not even comparing prices across other sites. I don't even think you're looking at the sizing chart with a discerning eye. [gesturing at the iPad] That's a medium, a medium, a small, an extra small, an extra large, a size eleven shoe, a size two shoe! AMIR: Exqueef me. [queefs twice] JAKE: ...Was that a fart, or-- AMIR: Queef. [pause] Two distinct queefs. JAKE: I got it. AMIR: You know, I just wish I had an event to wear these to. I mean, I'm buying these platinum-white dress shoes, but I literally will never wear them. JAKE: So don't buy them. AMIR: Well, what if I get invited to a gala, ass? JAKE: A gala? I've never seen anyone invite you to lunch! [Amir scratches Jake's face.] JAKE: Ow-- AMIR: [speaking to the viewer] You know, whenever I go online shopping, I like to reward myself with a little "you're worth it" gift. [chuckles] And today I got myself this zebra-print pillow! [holding up a pillow] I'm obsessed! JAKE: Who are you talking to? [Jake is holding a cloth to his cheek.] JAKE: I can't believe you scratched me. AMIR: I'm sorry. JAKE: Like a cat. AMIR: I was upset. JAKE: I don't care. AMIR: You offended me! JAKE: So what? AMIR: If it makes you feel any better, I might even get a plus one to the gala! JAKE: You're not going to a gala! [Amir reaches out to scratch Jake, and Jake holds him back by the wrist.] JAKE: Hey-- no! AMIR: Say that again, and I will scratch your other face! AMIR: Hey, pretty neat little lifehack: if you put in a pseudonym in the shipping information, like Vance or something, the package will show up with that fake name on it. JAKE: That's not a lifehack. That's the most boring idea in the world. You'll just have a package with the name Vance on it. AMIR: Yeah, but then after a while, the mailman will start to call you Vance! He'll be like, "Hey Vance, how's it going?" You'll be like, "Oh, it's pretty good, but actually boom! Gotcha! My name's Brad!" [Jake is holding a bloody cloth on each cheek.] AMIR: These white shoes are breaking the bank, but I feel like I gotta have 'em. You know, just in case-- and don't say what you're about to, or I will scratch you yet again-- but I feel like I gotta have 'em just in case I get invited to a charity event, or worse still, a, a-- JAKE: A gala. Yeah, I know. AMIR: A gala. Yeah, exactly right, a gala. JAKE: Tell you what, buddy. Why don't you just leave them in your online basket, you don't have to check out right now-- AMIR: No way. JAKE: --but if you get invited to a white tie event-- AMIR: No, dude! That's-- JAKE: --or a gala... I'm not saying-- look-- AMIR: It's way too risky! JAKE: You can order them in time! AMIR: Bought 'em. [laughs] I bought 'em! JAKE: Smart. Smart, good. AMIR: We're going to a gala. JAKE: Yeah? We're not. AMIR: [gesturing to his shirt] You think this button-down is pee-proof, or dry clean only? JAKE: Pee-proof? AMIR: Or dry clean only! JAKE: What is pee-proof? You said that first. AMIR: Yeah, pee-proof! Just in case I-- [Amir pulls out his penis and begins peeing all over himself.] JAKE: Hey-- hey! Don't! Leave it! Oh! AMIR: Wha-- oh! Oh, sh-- AMIR: Alright, I can't bear to look. [turning the iPad toward Jake, looking away] What's the damage? JAKE: Great. You shut your eyes, and you didn't click "Order". You just deleted your whole cart. AMIR: Huh. That was a cheap spree, to be sure. JAKE: You pissed on my shirt a little bit, by the way. AMIR: Well, you should have gone pee-proof! You know, just in ca-- [Amir begins peeing everywhere again.] JAKE: Oh-- hey! AMIR: Oh my God, why again? END