INTRO JAKE: Hey, you’re watching Jake and Amir. AMIR: Crypto Hobos to the moon! JAKE: What’s a Crypto Hobo? AMIR: It’s called shilling. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AMIR: Holy GUAC! These NFTs are ridinkydonky! You gotta get some b-b-b-b-b-b-bad! Heheh. JAKE: NFTs? AMIR: [mocking] NF cheese? Yeah, NF cheese? JAKE: I didn’t say NF cheese. AMIR: N. F. Cheese. No, T— Now you have me sayin’ it, heh. What did you say? NF cheese? JAKE: I said NFTs. You said NF cheese. Like, three or four times. [AMIR nods.] JAKE: Why do you like NFTs? AMIR: You know Bitcoin? JAKE: Yes. AMIR: NFTs is like Bitcoin. But better. JAKE: Okay. How is it better? AMIR: Because it’s ART, ya FART! [AMIR strains to push out a fart.] JAKE: Can you— Stop trying to force gas. You’re not good at it, it’s not worth it for the pun— AMIR: [strained] Quiet! JAKE: You’re shitting yourself. Please stop. You know, NFTs have a negative environmental impact, right? I hope you didn’t buy one. AMIR: I bought a drawing of an ape two months ago for 50,000 dollars! JAKE: A drawing of an ape. AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: Moron. I could download that same photo for free and you think you own it. Why? AMIR: Because then I sold it for 180 grand to some basketball player. JAKE: So what— wait, what? AMIR: Yeah, a bunch of my NFTs, I guess, have lowkey moon’d. I moved a few punks, some apes, some mutants, a bag of words on Lute for about 500,000 dollars when all was said and fun. JAKE: Fun. What’s fun— [JAKE spins in his chair, transforming into his insecure self.] JAKE: —if you can’t have it with your friends? [singing to the tune of ‘With A Little Help From My Friends’ by the Beatles] I get high with a little help from my friends. I get by with a little help from my friends. AMIR: What. JAKE: Gimme the — [impersonating Johnny Cash’s ‘Ring of Fire’] I fell into a burning ring of fire — Johnny Cash, ya jack-ash. AMIR: No, absolutely not. JAKE: [miming holding a camera] Smile and say ‘NF cheese, please’. [AMIR looks concerned and confused.] JAKE: [putting a finger monocle up to his eye] And don’t forget the sauce! AMIR: You just called them dumb, you said they were bad for the environment. JAKE: Yeah, that was before I realized you could make good ETH flipping them. AMIR: So, the environment isn’t important? JAKE: To a degree! It’s important to a degree! Besides, when I’m rich, I’ll be able to offset my carbon footprint by, like, fuckin’, [laughing] planting a tree or building a pond! Who cares?! [to AMIR] Gimme an ape! I simp for the chimp and you know that. AMIR: No. You don’t even have, like, a MetaMask wallet, an OpenSea account, anything that you need to accept— JAKE: OpenSea? Okay, I’ll make one super fast. I— [JAKE goes to type on his keyboard, but it almost seems to be hurting him each time he makes contact.] JAKE: Uh. Ah. Jus— Ooh. AMIR: Type normal. Are you crying? JAKE: I’m excited to be a part of the community of creators! It’s an exciting space to be playing in in regards to aping and [dabs] Gary Vee. On the OpenSea. [brings up his hand monocle again] With the sauce. AMIR: I really don’t get the monocle thing. [JAKE gets up from his seat and begins to pound his chest and grunt primally, like an ape. He walks over to AMIR’s side of the desk.] AMIR: Get the fuck away from me. JAKE: Sorry, hater. [JAKE turns AMIR’s office chair around so that AMIR is facing him. JAKE sits down on his lap.] JAKE: You got Slater’d. [JAKE begins to type on AMIR’s laptop over his shoulder.] AMIR: Ough, what are you doing? JAKE: Sending myself a punk. Don’t be an ass. I’m sending myself one punk. AMIR: Be incredibly careful, okay? Those— Those cost several hundred thousand dollars. JAKE: And now they’re mine! Haha! WOO! [JAKE gets out of AMIR’s lap and dances over to his desk excitedly. He flosses in the process.] JAKE: [howls] That’s that fuck you Blockchain! That’s that non-refundable Blockchain! That’s that non-fungible for your bunghole shit! Sorry, brother! Ahahahah! AMIR: You transferred them to the wrong wallet. JAKE: Huh. Meaning? AMIR: Meaning you’re a fucking idiot! They’re gone! I sent ‘em to someone who I don’t know who they are. They’re not going to be able to return it. I don’t have the NFTs and neither do you! JAKE: This sucks. Sucks. It sucks. But... bright side, silver lining: I think it’s ultimately good that you don’t have a lot and I have nothing because it’s— it’s helpful in terms of me not having the FOMO. In a way. AMIR: The what. JAKE: Fear of missing... O. [They sit in silence as JAKE air drums awkwardly.] JAKE: I would do a tea, I would do a soup. Your decision, big spender. [pulls out hand monocle] And don’t forget the sauce. AMIR: I’m financially ruined. JAKE: [gulps] I can loan you money. THE END