INTRO AMIR: Hey, you’re watching Jake and Amir! JAKE: You have to go take a shower. AMIR: No, yeah, it’s on the— JAKE: Now. AMIR: —agenda! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [JAKE and AMIR return to their desks after being out. Both have name tags that say ‘hello, my name is JAKE’.] AMIR: [satisfied] Oiyah... That was productive. JAKE: You think so? AMIR: I think so. I mean, as far as a networking event could be. I mean, I much prefer, like, human face to face interaction, more of a do-it-live atmosphere. I feel like we’ve all been online and hunkered down so much because of the pandemic we’re getting, like, Zoom fatigue at this point. JAKE: You shit in the punch bowl. AMIR: ...Metaphorically...? JAKE: Literally. AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: Right? AMIR: Oh, at the networking event? JAKE: Yeah, the networking event that you said was productive because we all have Zoom fatigue. AMIR: Yeah, I just always feel like we’re always, like, staring at our s— JAKE: Right, I’m saying you jumped up on the buffet table— AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: —you said ‘everyone here likes to talk shit, now how ‘bout you drink it’. You pulled down your pants and you tried to poop, but all you could muster was an echoey fart. AMIR: That was, like, a goof. JAKE: Wasn’t funny. AMIR: I feel like— it was, like, a face to face interaction. I feel, like, we’re all, like, uh... JAKE: Zoom fatigue. AMIR: Zoom fatigue. JAKE: Yeah. I know. You raised your hand to god. You said ‘Yahweh, I’ve never asked you for anything and I’ve lived a life of humility and grace. I ask you in your divine generosity to bestow me with the greatest poop the world has ever seen’. AMIR: That was, like, a free-style rap thing. JAKE: [disappointed] Mhm. AMIR: I mean, if you don’t like hip-hop, I can always do, like, a folk thing next networking event. ‘Cause we’re all suffering. From Zoom fatigue. I don’t know— JAKE: [cutting AMIR off] I guess, Yahweh heard you, because the next thing we knew there was diarrhea spraying out of your ass like a firehose. AMIR: Meaning? JAKE: You started cackling like a witch and tumbled headlong into an ice sculpture. I mean, what a waste of a prayer. AMIR: Aaaand fin. JAKE: No, not fin. AMIR: Yeah, actually, absolutely fin. JAKE: I’m not even close to fin, right, because the shit never ceased. AMIR: To amaze you, or...? JAKE: You were tubgirling yourself. Shooting wet feces from your orifice onto the ice sculpture and watching it trickle down— AMIR: [interrupting] Yeah. JAKE: —like a shite luge. AMIR: Exactly. Do you wanna harp? JAKE: Excuse me? AMIR: You’re harping. A lot. So do you— w-would you like an actual harp? A physical harp to harp? JAKE: Like I have a harp so I— why would I need a harp? AMIR: No, I’m saying you— you’re harping on shit, so do you want an actual, like, to— JAKE: Do I wanna a harp? AMIR: —t-to go with your... the harping— JAKE: Because I’m harping. AMIR: —cuz you’re not really focusing on any of the good shit that happened, so I’m wondering— JAKE: What is a good thing that you did? AMIR: The business cards. JAKE: Yes. That’s right. AMIR: Do you remember that? JAKE: You tried to collect business cards. AMIR: [proudly] Yeah! And I actually got a f— I got one. JAKE: Oh, you got one? AMIR: I got one. JAKE: ‘Cuz, actually, the way that I remember it is you were rolling around on the ground screaming ‘give me your business cards so I can clean up my grizzly mess shards’. AMIR: Yes, exactly. JAKE: No one gave you a card. People ran from you, bud. AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: You also nut tapped a janitor so hard that she fainted. I didn’t even know that was possible. AMIR: It’s like a way of, like, combatting Zoom fatigue. JAKE: That was when you yelled ‘nobody moves, nobody dies’. [AMIR mimes the line aloud, pretending to dual wield guns. After JAKE finishes the line, he nods in approval.] JAKE: But a group of business women had subdued you thankfully at that point. You then pointed at one of them and said, ‘is that my daughter in there?’ [AMIR silently mimes the line again.] JAKE: And she happened to be pregnant, which was pretty fucked up. AMIR: Maybe what I should do is go home so you can blow off some steam. JAKE: How would I do that? AMIR: I’m just saying you’re obviously doing a No Nut March or April at this point. It’s so clear to me now that I have to go home and you have to relieve yourself of this, this, pent up, like, frustration slash Zoom fatigue, or like, maybe a Garmin or something? I feel like I should get out of your hair and you can just sort of— JAKE: [annoyed] Thanks, okay, I’m not going to jerk off in the office. MARIKA: Excuse me? AMIR: Wow, that is so messed up. JAKE: I said I wasn’t going to. AMIR: That’s just so... MARIKA: Crass. AMIR: Crass, yeah, exactly right, it’s coarse, it’s off color, it’s blue, it’s disgusting, coming from you. MARIKA: It’s messed up. AMIR: It’s messed up, and more than that, it’s tacky, if that makes sense? It’s a little tacky to hear you say that. JAKE: Tacky? You’re the Kool-Aid Man with Giardia. Alright? You sprayed shit on yourself today. AMIR: That is... MARIKA: Too soon. AMIR: Too soon. Way too soon. JAKE: What are you talking about?! AMIR: [exasperated] That just happened, dude. That just happened, and you bring it up. THE END