Amir: Hey, thank you so much for watching Jake and Amir. Jake: That wasn't supposed to be sarcastic. Amir: Okay. [Amir makes squeaky noises with his mouth as Jake enters, seemingly shaken.] Amir: Whoa. What's wrong? Jake: I was just mugged. Amir: (getting up to approach Jake) Oh my god, are you okay? Jake: No. No, I'm not; I'm just so freaked out. I feel vulnerable as hell right now— Amir: (raises hand in gun gesture) FREEZE MOTHERFUCKER! Jake: What is wrong with you?! Amir: What? I was just kidding! It's not a real gun. Jake: Oh my god... Amir: Or did he do it BY KNIFEPOINT? (pretend stabs Jake) Jake: (pushing Amir away) Get off of me! Amir: Relax, man. All right, I'm not actually trying to (puts Jake in headlock) PUT YOU IN A HEADLOCK and say, GIMME YOUR MONEY! Gimme your money! Jake: (crying) Ah! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! Amir: (Jake still crying) What is wrong with you, man? I'm not actually trying to (Amir reaches for Jake's pocket) TAKE—TAKE YOUR WALLET! GIMME YOUR WALLET, man! GIMME YOUR WALLET! Jake: (crying, trying to hold back Amir) Stop it! Stop! Amir: (holding wallet) This is your wallet? Jake: (taking back wallet) He didn't even get my wallet... Amir: What did he steal—he stole your phone or something? Jake: No, he took my gym bag, but I had stuff in there. I had mesh shorts, I had a juice in there—my house keys! He took— (looks at pocket) Amir: (pointing) I can see them... Jake: (holding keys) They're here. They're fine, but everything else... Amir: Oh, so he took your juice... [Jake checks pocket again.] Amir: Oh. Jake: (holding juice) It's here. I—I put it in my pocket; I forgot—but this is not as full as I remember it. Amir: Oh, you think he took it out and then took a sip of it— Jake: I don't know. I don't know, 'cause it happened so fast. Amir: Yeah, which is probably more of a reason that he didn't stop to sip your cranberry juice, man... Jake: (raises arms) Okay, well, I don't wanna talk about it anymore. Amir: (raises Jake's shirt) Okay, I can see you're wearing mesh shorts! Jake: All right, fine. Thank god I put them on, and he didn't get the mesh shorts; he took my gym bag. Amir: You—Can't you just get a new gym bag? I don't understand... Jake: Well, yeah, they give 'em away for free at the gym, but he'll probably just steal it again. Amir: Who would steal a gym bag? Jake: I don't know, man; he's, like, eleven. They don't care about anything. Amir: (pause) You got mugged by an eleven-year-old. Jake: (sighs) She rode her bike by and just swiped— Amir: She—she rode—so it was an eleven-year-old girl that— Jake: You're being an asshole. You're being incredibly insensitive, and I can't talk to you like this. (walks away) Amir: (pointing) Okay, right there. That's your gym bag; it's attached to your belt. Jake: (holding gym bag) I swear to god she made a legit swipe at this; that little bitch tried to jack me, all right? (grabs juice) And this juice: it was full; it was unopened! Jake: (talking on phone) And the mugger tried and tried and said, Gimme all your money! And I said, NO! Not today, you motherfucker! And then he said... Nope! Not gonna tell you! (laughs) Means you gotta call me back. All right. Love you, Dad. Bye. THE END