INTRO BEN: (in announcer voice) Captain Internet here, and you're watching Jake and Amish! (Ben puts nose near Jake) JAKE: Don't smell me! I'm serious, don't. (simultaneously) I've asked you so many times. BEN: (simultaneously) Yeah, well it's either smell or touch. Did you see which way he went? JAKE: Don't do either! I haven't seen which way he went, but he's dragging a net, he couldn't have gone far. BEN: Who is Anette, by the way? JAKE: No, not the name, he's dragging a net. BEN: Yeah, and I'm asking you who's Anette, 'cause I would love to meet her. I don't have a girlfriend right now. JAKE: I'll tell you what, man. BEN: Yeah. JAKE: Let's just split up, we'll cover more ground that way, (Ben leans in to smell) don't smell me. BEN: You know what, I'll do you one better. Why don't we strip down to our balls and dicks, rub against each other for warmth 'cause it's freezing out here? JAKE: How is that one better? By the way, dude, it's 90 degrees. BEN: 90 degrees cold, we should get in a hot-cold bath. JAKE: Focus! BEN: (simultaneously) Yeah, I'm focused up. I'm normal, I'm normally focused. JAKE: (simultaneously) Be normal! Be normal for a second, we have- No, you're not. We have to find Amir, we have to work together. BEN: Can you believe this? The irony of the whole thing? Me, working with a cow. (chuckles) This is truly my greatest nightmare. JAKE: Shut up, Ok? Amir's really scared right now. BEN: Yeah, you got it. I bet he is. (cut to Amir, in field, covered by net,holding smoothie, on phone) AMIR: Hello, hello, yes. Uh, I'm gonna need another smoothie, please. (laughs) Basically, you just need to freshen me up. Yeah, same guy in the park. No. No, not the freak-nerd in the net. (laughs) I'm a cool guy in a net. So, I can't believe there's a nerd around, also wearing a net. No, I did pay! (cut to Jake and Ben sitting on a rock) BEN: Knock-knock, knock-knock. You here this one, knock-knock. JAKE: Who's there? BEN: Interrupting you. JAKE: Interrupting me- BEN: Moo! Moo, you idiot. (simultaneously) You idiot, you fell right into my trap. JAKE: (simultaneously) Ok, that's great, I know, so can we please just focus? And find Amir? Alright, I'm gonna just try calling him and see if he answers. BEN: It won't work, your cell phone's not gonna work on the mountain. JAKE: Well, no, I have four bars. BEN: Oh, really? How bout now? (eats cell phone) JAKE: Did you swallow it?! BEN: Now you got three bars. JAKE: How and why did you just eat my phone? (cut to Amir, in net, with smoothie, being approached by smoothie guy) AMIR: If you think for one second I'm gonna pay for that smoothie, you're insane. GUY: Then I'm not going to give it to you. AMIR: Now, w-w-wait, ok, what are you gonna do, just throw it away? That's wasteful, it's gonna melt. GUY: Fine. Just take it. AMIR: Yess! Oh, and keep your phone on, Ok? I'm gonna call you in about 15 minutes for a third. Oh, and by the way, (spills first smoothie) Oh, yeah! GUY: You poured that all over your pants! AMIR: It's hard to do that in this net, Ok, at least I went for it. (cut to Jake and Ben walking down path, Ben hugging Jake) JAKE: Yeah, you gotta walk on your own for a minute. BEN: Hey, are you getting tired? JAKE: No, I'm not tired. BEN: 'Cause I could tickle you to keep you awake. It goes like (tickles Jake) Heeey! JAKE: Stop it, I'm not tired. BEN: Well, maybe how 'bout that dick of yours? JAKE: Stop it, I'm not- BEN: Right, yeah, yeah. But you looked like you were yawning for a tiny bit. JAKE: It doesn't matter. Even if I was tired I wouldn't need you to tickle me. BEN: Right, but I should do it to test the waters. JAKE: No, don't test the waters. BEN: (reaches to tickle) Like, test the waters. (laughs) JAKE: You just tested the waters and it didn't work out, right? BEN: Hey, Amir. (Amir walks by in net with smoothie) AMIR: Hey. JAKE: That's Amir. Hey, dude. BEN: Hey, I found him! So now what's up, boss? JAKE: Are you Ok? AMIR: I'm freezing. BEN: Ooh. JAKE: Don't say that, 'cause then this guy's gonna- BEN: Do you want us to strip down to our (Amir joins in, simultaneously) dicks and balls and cuddle together for warmth because it's freezing?! (Ben hugs Amir, a strange animal cry is heard) BEN: Was that a cow? THE END