Opening Sequence Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Amir: Aloha! Jake: That's Hawaii. Amir: No. Is it? Episode (Sam and Amir are trying to hitchhike, Sam sticking his middle finger at passing cars) Sam: I don't get why nobody's pulling over, I've been doing this for an hour. Amir: Use a different finger. (Sam puts up his other middle finger) Amir: That'll do it. Sam: Hey! Hey! Amir: Okay. Sam: It's working! Amir: Okay. Higher! Sam: It's working! Amir: Higher! Higher! Sam: Hey! (A van pulls over; the man in the passenger seat has a camera) Cameraman: Hey what's up guys? Sam: Hey man. Cameraman: You guys need a ride? Sam: Yeah, we're going to see Jake Hurwitz. Cameraman: Oh that's perfect, we're actually heading in that direction. Sam: Awesome. Amir: That's great. Sam: That's great. Cameraman: Let's roll, come on! (Sam and Amir get in the van) Cameraman: Come on in, fellas. Amir: Sup! Sam: You guys got wall-to-wall carpet in your van! Cameraman: Oh, isn't it great? Sophia: Hi, guys! Amir: Crazay. (The van starts to move and Amir almost loses his balance) Oh, hey, he's moving... (Sam and Amir sit in the back, next to Sophia) Sophia: Hi, I'm Sophia! Sam: Hey Sophia, how's it going? Sophia: Good! Amir: Oh, this is like a... Sophia: (Climbing on top of Sam and kissing him) Oo, I like you. Amir: This is, like, other people are going to see Jake? Er... Sam: Oh my god. I like you too. Camerman: Be a little careful, she's a bit crazy. Amir: Sam, stay in the game. (Sophia climbs on Amir next) Amir: Oh! Hi. I don't care. Sophia: Hi! Sam: I don't care. Cameraman: But she's nice! You don't have to be shy. Amir: No, no! I'm a—okay... Sam, what's still— Sam: Hey Amir, can I talk to you on the other side of the van for a second? Amir: Uh, sure. (To Sophia) We'll be back, I think. (Sam and Amir go towards the front of the van) Sam: Hey man, I think I really have a chance with this girl, and I'd appreciate it if you'd back the fuck off. Amir: What are you talking—you just can't stand that for once in your life some girl loves me more than she loves you! Sam: It's just so rare that I have so much in common with somebody right away. Amir: So much in—what do you have in common with her? Sam: We both think I'm cute! (Sophia is about to have sex with another man in the back) Amir: First of all, I'm sorry comprende but, you are not her type. Sam: What do you mean I'm not her type?! Amir: Okay, first of all, look at the guy she's with right now, right? Sam: Yeah. Amir: He looks like moi. Sam: Okay he does not. He looks much more like moi than yoi. Amir: No, look at his dick! Sam: I am looking at his dick! (Jake is still walking and on the phone) Jake: Hey, Jamie! What's up? Yeah, um, I'm in Miami for work. So I have, like, meetings now, but maybe we could, uh, hang out after. Okay, um—no, now is fine! Now is good. Those meetings just aren't happening anymore. (Back to Sam and Amir) Amir: (Looking out the window) That looks like Jake! Sam: That looks nothing like Jake's dick, Jake's dick doesn't have nearly that— Amir: No, that looks like Jake! (Sam looks out the window) Sam: Oh my god that's Jake! Amir: That is Jake! Sam: Jake! Pull over! Amir: Jake! Pull over! Jake: I'm on 17th and Collins. (The van pulls up to Jake) Amir: Jake. Jake: Oh my god. Hey psychos. What are you doing here? Amir: Oh nothing much, psycho, just coming to rescue you. Sam: Yeah psycho. Jake: That's not a pet name. Amir: Yeah Sam, butt out. Sam: I wanna be a psycho. Jake: How the hell did you guys get here, and what is this—you guys are in the Bang Bus. Amir: What's a bang bus? Jake: It's a porn site. They get strangers to fuck in a van. Sam: No, there are no pornstars here. Just an awesome girl competing over mine and Amir's affection. Jake: Is she fucking somebody? Amir: Is she preparing for us? Yes. Sam: (To Sophia) You know there's such a thing as overpreparing! Jake: (To Jamie) Hey, I'm sorry. Um, what was that address again? I think I just found a ride.