Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Amir: A tradition unlike any other. Jake: Not really. Amir: The masters. Amir: Well alright fucker, I don't like you, you don't like me, but let's just fill out this bracket and we can let bygones be bygones. Jake: Your ear is bleeding. Amir: What? I actually have a foolproof strategy this year. Jake: Yeah, I doubt that. Amir: Excuse me? Jake: I'm just saying I doubt you have a foolproof strategy for picking 63 random games. Amir: Like I'm a moron to you, or? Jake: Kinda, yeah, you are. Amir: I thought we liked each other. Jake: Really, 'cause you sat down and you said, "I don't like you and you don't like me," right? You remember that? Amir: I can't hear you. What? Who's in your elite eight? Jake: I have UCLA and— Amir: That's it, just one team? Last time I checked you needed eight, so you're six shy. Moron. Dumbass. Jake: You interrupted me, and I'd be seven shy, right? Amir: Can we go one day without you making me feel small? Jake: I'm responding to you calling me a moron and a dumbass. Amir: I'm sorry I don't have a Garmin. Holy shit. Jake: This isn't about that. Amir: But you litigate and litigate. Jake: Wow, your bracket is all over the place. Amir: Meaning? Jake: Meaning your picks are illegible. The back is a cry for help. Amir: How do you figure? Jake: "By the time you find this—" Amir: Do not read my shit! Jake: Okay. Amir: That is actually my shit. Jake: Fine. Amir: Unless it's literally the first draft of a novel that I'm emailing to you for notes on character development with an emphasis towards plot, then you are not to read anything that I write is that understandable? Jake: Yes, fine. Amir: Is that crystal clear actually? Jake: It's crystal clear. Okay, the novel was awful. Both character and plot wise. Amir: Wow this is how I find out? Not via slack? Kansas is tough this year, but Alabama is a problem. I mean Brandon Miller is in. Jake: You have Kansas losing in the first round. Amir: Yeah, 16 over 1, upset special, Cinderella-slipper-still-fit style. How's that for a not-so-sweet 16? Jake: Right, but you crossed out Kansas and you wrote Mickey my friend. Amir: It's in play. Jake: No, it's not. Amir: What? I think I have Schwimmer's dire ear. Like I went swimming in a septic tank and nothing's been good after that. Jake: I'm just saying there's not like any way that Mickey's gonna be in the Elite Eight. Amir: Yeah, 'cause he's not like good at rebounding. Jake: No, 'cause he's a guy. He's just a guy that you torture from time to time. Amir: Fair, fair, true. Jake: So cross him out, like you crossed out Kansas, like you crossed out Kentucky. Amir: Does your ear hurt or is that just bleed? Jake: Now you just crossed out Mickey and you wrote Goofy. I mean, are you talking about Mickey Mouse? Amir: No, I'm talking about Mickey, my friend, and his goofy-ass cousin whose name escapes me. I mean, what is your problem? Why are you so anal? Why so anal? Nothing. Unbelievable. You're trying to ice me out. Xavier, more like, um... Jake: You don't have to have a pun. Amir: Yeah, I just, I get chronic migraines, so. I don't know if that— Jake: Sorry. Yeah. Amir: And my ear is bleeding. Jake: Right. Amir: And I'm homesick? Gonzaga! That sounds like something a cartoon dog would say in a commercial. Gonzaga! Gonzaga! Jake: Not really. Amir: Are you this devoid of joy? The season's been wild, man. I feel like I should just use a non-traditional two or three seat to go all the way. You know, especially with all these high variance matchups. Jake: Where did you learn to say that? Amir: That AI chatbot thing tells me what to talk to sound normal. When you're watching TV and a commercial is on, are you ever cracking up? Jake: No, no, not during a commercial. Amir: Yeah, so if a dad is like, "Gonzaga, Gonzaga, come here boy, Gonzaga!" Jake: Sorry, Gonzaga's the name of the dog now? Amir: Gonzaga is the dog, and he's going, "Gonzaga, Gonzaga!" Jake: No, you're saying the dad was calling over the dog. Amir: And now he's saying his name to you as a cartoon. Jake: What's it an ad for? What is it an ad for? Amir: Fucking lemons! It doesn't matter, it's just an ad for a good dog. Jake: By the way, your ear is like— Amir: —a scab. Jake: Yeah, it's a wet scab. It's an abscess, don't pick at it. Amir: Gonzaga, Gonzaga, Gonzaga! Give me my fucking bone back! Well, not fucking, 'cause it's an ad, you don't wanna swear, but yeah, he's basically foaming at the mouth with the, "Gah!"