Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Amir: I have a madness. Jake: You do have a madness. Amir: Yeah. Amir: You can't just do your March Madness bracket without me? Jake: No, not those… Ass, those are my taxes. Amir: So why didn't you say so? Wisconsin, those shits can't win. I have them losing in the Final Four. Jake: So it sounds like they do win a bunch. You have them going all the way to the Final Four. Amir: Hmm, maybe, maybe, that's true. Um, who do you think will do it? Jake: This is your bracket. Amir: Someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide in the champagne Villanova has a bye Jake: Grating. So harsh on my ears to hear that. Amir: I think I'm gonna call it March Gladness this year 'cause it brings me so much joy to be part of the team. Jake: Yeah, you pushed one of our interns today. Amir: Meaning? Jake: Meaning you shoved him. You claimed he stole your parking spot and when he said he drove to work, you said, \"Are you calling me a liar, Sasquatch?\" And then you let out a high-pitched queef. We all pretended not to notice as a way to diffuse the situation, but you kept repeatedly queefing. Amir: Wyoming playing Seton Hall, playing them in basketball, where were you when Nova got a bye? Jake: No one gets a bye in the tournament. Amir: Okay, so say that! Ah, shit, my pen is out of ink. Do you have like a quill? Jake: A quill? Amir: Like a feather that you can write on parchment with? Yes, a quill. I'm just saying, like, there's all these matchups, and there's no freaking way to know without just guessing, you know? Jake: That's the point. Amir: Yeah. You best start believing in Notre Dame, Ms. Turner. 'Cause your in one! Jake: What does that even mean? Amir: It's a funny way to say a fucking sentence. Is it fun to like nitpick all my jokes? Oh my god. Jake: You can't get mad at me because you said something nonsensical. Amir: It's a knock knock joke. Jake: No it isn't. Amir: Have I ever made you laugh? I'm serious, have I ever made you laugh or had a Garmin? Jake: I don't know, man. Amir: I do! I think it happened once, maybe, and I borrowed it from a friend. Purdue sure do have a chance, but have your heard of Xavier, Durd? Auburn? Oh man, I don't think Gonzaga's going gone, Dada. Jake: Try not to make terrible slant rhymes for every single team. Amir: I wonder who does make you laugh. Jake: Please drop it. Amir: Why do you think I learned to queef? Answer me that. Do you think it's because I was trying to make you glad? Unless Iowa wins, I'll owe you a bunch of cash. Jake: Yeah, you actually already do owe me a lot of money. Amir: Why, because of my investments that went south or sideways? Why do you think they call it an upset? Jake: I don't know, because people who place bets on the favorites are upset. Amir: Hmm, really? Jake: What did you think? Amir: I thought it was because they all got head. Remember when the tournament was cancelled because of COVID? That was random. Jake: I don't know, I think it was necessary. Amir: Sorry, can we not politicize every fucking conversation we have? We're so divided as a country, and yet you still want to bring up polarizing shit like whether or not I had a Garmin growing up. Jake: You're polarizing. You're the only one who seems to care way too much about that. Amir: You mean to tell me you never considered getting oral from Oral Roberts? The year is 1998 and Bryce Drew just hit a game winner for Valparaiso. The slipper still fits and guess where I am? Jake: I don't know. Amir: On the way to the ER. Because my uncle forced me to eat a sock. And you know what? We don't really have an easy time getting there because, drumroll please... Jake: You didn't have a Garmin. Amir: We didn't have a TomTom. Exactly right. Really think I had one now that I think about, is the crazy shit Jake: It's not even an issue if you did or didn't. Amir: It's a non-issue, yeah. Jake: It's a non-issue. You're hyper focused on it. Amir: And it's such an obscure thing. Nobody uses it anymore. Jake: A navigation tool? That sat on your dashboard? Amir: Or not. But maybe Duke's gonna be the one that saves me, 'cause after all, my uncle made me eat a sock Jake: Really thought you were gonna rhyme that with basketball. Amir: Basket what?