Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Amir: Wow, 10 years straight. Jake: Think longer. Amir: Really? Amir: What ho, young Jacob? The Ides of March are now. Come with me. Jake: Can you please just leave? Amir: Let us poison his ears together and steal his bracket. Jake: Come on. Amir: Ow, one second, you just cut my wallet. You just tore my wallet, dude. I'm fucking serious. Stop, stop. You just fucking cut my wallet. I really think this is my year. Jake: Yeah, what year is it? Amir: Uh, 44? Jake: Terrible guess. Off by thousands. Amir: I'm serious dude, I really think you fucking sliced it in half. I'm so afraid to take it out. Look at this shit, look at it. Okay, it's fine. Kinda like my knee this year. Jake: You like your picks? Amir: No, I like my knee, like knee going all the way. Jake: To win the tournament? Amir: Yeah, exactly right. Jake: Cool. Amir: Why not? Jake: 'Cause you're 41, you're not good at basketball, not a college student, you are severely— Amir: Severely schizophrenic. Jake: Not exactly what I was gonna say, but yes. Amir: I'm dyslexic to a flout. Oh, we should do a sandwich bracket this year. That'd be fun, like ham at the one seed, corn at the two. Oddly enough, a Gonzaga is like a four seed in both. Or should I say a poppy seed in both? Jake: Walk me through that. Amir: I think we both know that I cannot. If you follow Joe Lenardi on Twitter, he's kind of like an NCAA insider. Jake: No. Amir: Oh, because I called it Twitter and not X? God, you're a grammar communist. Jake: You mean grammar Nazi. Amir: Worse, actually. Okay, Nazis believe in an Aryan race. Communists believe that all humans are interchangeable. Jake: Why is that worse? Amir: I was radicalized on X, formerly Twitter. You sliced my wallet nearly in half. Jake: Not at all. Amir: It ended up being fine. University of Connecticut, huh? How about U Conn-ect, I cut. Jake: Great, terrible joke. Now my bracket is— Amir: Busted, big deal. Jake: Ass. Amir: Ass? Like I'm an asshole? New Mexico. Last time I checked, you needed to be a college to be in this tournament, not a country. Jake: You think New Mexico is a county? Amir: Country, I said. You crass fuck, county? Hey Marika, Jake thought I said county. Jake: She's not here. Amir: Where are we? Where are we then? Jake: So you have Morehead in the final four? Amir: What's wrong with rooting for more head? Jake: There are 15 seeds. Amir: I'm gonna cum 15 seeds if I ever get more head. Jake: That's such a low sperm count. Amir: Really? Jake: Yeah. Amir: Well, it's average. Nice, I guess you could say you connected it and... I cut. Jake: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Amir: Oh, shit me. Oh, sliced right off. At least it's not my wallet. Virginia, huh? More like more virgins— Jake: Why don't you take a... Amir: Yeah. I really mean it, dude. I think I can go, if not all the way, then to the finals and I can outscore my opponent and we'll just see what happens after. Jake: Okay, so that is going all the way. Amir: You mean that? Jake: No, I don't mean that. I'm just saying what you're describing is... Amir: I really needed to hear that 'cause I am... Jake: Losing a lot of blood. Amir: Yes! Jake: Pooling on the floor. This hand is freezing cold. Amir: I'm so lightheaded and scared you cut my wallet. Jake: I didn't cut your wallet. Amir: You didn't cut my wallet. Jake: That didn't happen. Amir: Just my fingers. Jake: Remember you took it out. You said— You cut your fingers. Alright so you definitely need stitches. Amir: Stitches get stitches. Jake: 'Cause I can see the bone in your finger. Amir: Boneless chicken fingers? Jake: No, try to focus. Stay awake. Amir: Let me whine. Jake: Let you what? Amir: Let me die. Jake: No. Amir: Let me die. Jake: No. Amir: Please let me go the way of my wallet. Amir: Michigan, more like Michi-can't. North Carolina, more like North Caroli-no. Vermont, more like Ver-font. Jake: They're getting worse. Amir: So is my vision. The darkness is closing in, Mickey. I think this is... Jake: What if I just apply some pressure? Amir: Kentucky? More like can't yucky. Jake: Yeah, nevermind. I will wake you up in April. Amir: Feel his bracket. Jake: What? Hey, get off me. Amir: Dude, dude, my wallet. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You just tore my fucking wallet. You just tore my fucking wallet. I'm not even joking. I'm literally not even fucking joking right now. Amir: Ow! One second, one second, my wallet. You fucking tore my wallet, dude. I'm serious, dude, you fucking just tore my wallet, man. I'm serious, bro. Amir: I'm serious, look at this. Are you watching this shit? It's okay, it's fine. Jake: Whoa Amir: Jesus Christ. Jake: Don't get into fights if you're this concerned about your wallet. Amir: I'm serious, look at my fucking wallet, man. One second, look at this sh— Okay, it's fine. Fuck. I really thought you cut it. Jake: I know you did. Amir: I'm serious, dude, look at this shit. You fucking sliced it, I know you did. Okay, it's fine. I really thought you cut my wallet. Amir: I'm serious dude, look at this shit. I'm so fucking afraid to take it out. Amir: I'm serious dude, look, I'm gonna take it out, but I'm fucking afraid. I really think you fucked, okay, it's okay.